no more struggle for self: day #25

 “Where there is a woman there is magic. If there is a moon falling from her mouth, she is a woman who knows her magic, who can share or not share her powers. A woman with a moon falling from her mouth, roses between her legs and tiaras of Spanish moss, this woman is a consort of the spirits.”-Ntozake Shange , Sassafrass, Cypress and Indigo

For so much of my life I have struggled for beauty...when what I was really struggling for was self acceptance...except I didn't know it. It was so much easier to focus on externals rather than shine a light on all of the missing and broken pieces inside of me. So much easier to buy a new shade of lipstick, enter a new relationship for all the wrong reasons or focus on everything else but the lacking inside of mySELF. But aging, marriage and motherhood have all brought blessings and gifts that have stripped away all pretense and revealed what I need, who I am and what I seek. Now...there is no more struggle for self.

Truth: Now I don't worry about the minor things in life...the few pounds I want to lose, the fact that my body is changing in innumerable ways (and will continue to do so)...how I can't get away with skimping on my sleep anymore. Now I don't worry so much about other people's opinions of me...knowing that we are all in this together, oftentimes facing similar struggles. Now I know that there are quiet heroes among us...and we really never know what personal suffering someone has been through. Now I face life with the knowing...that our years are brief and none of us are here forever. Now, most days, I rest + walk comfortably in my own skin.

 

Now...I question how I want to live; my deepest intentions and fears coming to light. I understand that anger is fuel for change and compassion is fuel for connection. I want to understand my ugliness so I can accept it, know it...and tranmute it to light. Now I understand that real beauty lies in our heart, in our character...in how we face the day despite our sufferings and losses.The kind words we can give ourSELVES and others, the opening of our hearts + minds, forgiveness, being present, offering ourSELVES up in truth and love...grace and dignity. And now more than ever, because I have a little girl looking up to me for her sense of self and direction, it's crucial that I see my true beauty with an accepting heart.