back in my studio

 

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” 

                              -Frederick Buechner, Now and Then: A Memoir of Vocation

                                                            

I haven't been painting these past few weeks. With Tim and Tara being sick I just haven't had the time. But this Saturday, I spent all morning in my studio. Bliss!! Just to get in here and open paint jars, dip my brushes in luscious colors and play around...sipping my coffee and listening to Dr. Estes (Theatre of the Imagination). Felt so good!! I am at a cross roads in my art, though. Stuck in that abyss of leaving behind what I was doing yet not really knowing where I am going. Sounds  a lot like my twenties:)

I know that my work is changing. It must. It has to. I feel it. But I keep on reverting to what I know...the comfortable, the familiar. And I have to push mySELF to get to another place. A place where I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing. A place full of frustration. and fear. I have to relax. and trust. And let go. Also... I have to go to that ugly place.

And so I struggle. Feeling my way into the depths of who I am. Into who I want to become. Into where I want my art to go. I have no idea, really. It's all about experimenting and pushing mySELF into the unknown.  Lots of layers and collage and splatters and drips...and then covering so much of it all up with gesso. Lots of reading as well...and pages and pages of writing. This where I am ...and I know that this place of confusion and being stuck has it's value too. Maybe the most value. It's all part of the process. I am listening to my life.