journey to self: day #20

 

"I am who I am, doing what I came to do..."

                                                                         -Audre Lorde

 Just this past week I have spoken to two longtime friends about the exact same thing; our path in life, our calling...our journey.  We spoke from the heart about so many of our fears, longings and possibilities and I wanted to share some of what we said because I think so many of us feel this way. Societal/cultural pressures  force us into corners we sometimes don't want to be in. There are expectations that we have to have "everything figured out" by a certain age (who we'll marry, career, motherhood etc) and then ...complacency oftentimes sets in. Big time! 

Most of my twenties were spent soul searching and gypsing around (something I have absolutely no regrets about). There were so many pressures but I completely ignored them and just went my own way. But now that I am 44, married, a mom ...there's still soul searching, questioning, expanding of my heart and mind...there is still the seeking. What kind of a wife/partner do I want to be, how can I be a better parent/mom to Tara, where do I want my art to go...whom do I want in my life? How can I make more time for self care? It's different than in my twenties ...but it's still a huge part of my life. And quite frankly...I hope it never goes away! Our journeys are not linear...there are detours, lost pathways, dead ends...the back and forth...soaring...expanding. There is transformation and growth and dying off to certain parts of who we were. And I deeply deeply believe that we each have our own unique path...we each have a calling. All we have to do is be still, listen to the whispers in our heart...pay attention...act on it one small step at a time. We never know where each tiny step will lead...we never know what lays waiting for us on the path ahead. The people we'll meet, the experiences we'll have...the joys and tears...the fears and frustrations...they are all an intrinsic part of our journey. 

                                                      (Journey to Self, print available here)

They all shape us, strengthen us, humble us...open us up to the person we are becoming. It's all part of the journey...leading us to ourSELVES.

yesterday: day #19

... Tara and I went to visit Jainnie-amazing polymer clay artist, tea connoisseur  and friend. We chatted, ate lunch and Tara gave all of Jainnie's stuffed animals a check-up:) Jainnie also did a cute project with Tara and showed me some clay 101 basics. I meant to take pics of the entire process but...I was probably too busy gabbing:) and completely forgot!
 I've been wanting to try my hand at clay for some time (was supposed to make clay dolls last summer)...but it just never happened. Just watching a very basic demo yesterday gave me the incentive to learn more about the process. Plus...Tara just loved it!! So...off to Amazon I go to pick up a few basic tools to get us started!! Thanks Jainnie!

 

 Tara's been playing doctor lately...so... band-aids everywhere:)
 *all pics in this post taken by Jainnie!

I am enough: day #18

I have been struggling to this place where I am enough for a long long time. And often...there are stumbles and detours and breakdowns. It's like everything in life...once we make a conscious effort, the lessons and teachers are everywhere. Strangely enough, signing up for this blog challenge has been a teacher for me in this capacity. I realise that I can simply show up...as mySELF. I don't always have to be funny or articulate or deep or...I can just show up... with wholeHEART and ...I am here. I am me. I am enough.
So are we all. xxx

in my heart: day #17

* my sweet girl...just when I think I can't possibly love her anymore than I do...my heart expands infinitely to allow for more love, more light, more sweetness. I can't believe how fast she's growing up...how independent she wants to be, how articulate and curious and lovely she is. Sassy too:)
* Tim and I are going to be celebrating our  wedding anniversary soon. Where did the time go? With all the moves, deployments, starting a family...new beginnings ...endings...dreams broken and found...time has zoomed by.
*Self care, self care, self care!!!  More and more...I am making room in my life for self care. Exercise, eating healthy, quiet time...those are the obvious ones. But more and more...I am making space in my life for setting boundaries, asking for what I need and...joy. Self care is a daily (sometimes hourly)...intentional practice.
*I received this book as a gift and am loving it! It's a deceptively easy read...one that wraps itself around your heart and nudges it open. Mark Nepo wrote this book after battling with cancer and the dissolution of his marriage so his perspective is a little different than his other books. Think ...more open, more vulnerable...more human. Love!
* Sabrina Fulton and Tracey Martin  have been in my heart more than ever these days. I am absolutely outraged and saddened by the Zimmerman verdict...where do we go from here? I want to write an entire blog post about it...but truthfully, I am still furious and need to settle down a bit before I can do that. For now...I need to conquer the anger and bitterness in my heart before putting my thoughts down.

"the earth remembered me": day #16

 

 "I thought the earth remembered me,

she took me back so tenderly,

arranging her dark skirts, her pockets

full of lichens and seeds..." -Mary Oliver

It's been such a long time since I walked deep into a patch of forest, leaned up against a tree and smelt the earth. At least...it seems that way.  Lately...I have been feeling all kinds of blue...all sorts of mixed up emotions that I have to untangle. There's so much I want to express, so much I need to lay down...but words fail me right now. It's enough, then...that "the earth remembered me"...

It's enough that I can feel the sun against my skin...bare feet on the grass. For now...it's enough.

experiments in photograpy: day #15

  “He owned an expensive camera that required thought before you pressed the shutter, and I quickly became his favorite subject, round-faced, missing teeth, my thick bangs in need of a trim. They are still the pictures of myself I like best, for they convey that confidence of youth I no longer possess, especially in front of a camera.” - Jhumpa Lahiri, Unaccustomed Earth

Lately...I've been  stretching myself with photography.  I love the infinite ways I can digitally alter a pic...how I can add layers and light and frames and...ad infinitum. More and more...I am seeking mood, movement, and light rather than purely image.Here are some of my recent photography creations...

“The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera.”- Dorothea Lange
One of my discoveries is that the more pics I take...the more I seek  new  perspectives, compositions and angles. It's a challenge I love...finding new ways to tell my stories, capture moments and share my life.Also...it's documenting this moment and directs me to be present to my life. Pretty powerful stuff, right?

“A picture is a secret about a secret, the more it tells you the less you know.”

                                                                                                                    -Diane Arbus

More + more...I am trying to see with my heart and spirit rather than just with my eyes.

painting redo: day #14

 Sometimes...I complete a painting and just know when it's done! I love it when that happens...when everything just falls into place. When the painting reveals itself and tells me a story. But...about half the time...I need to rework my paintings. I put them aside for awhile and then get to them later. With this painting...I was very happy with some parts of it...but other parts were just not right somehow. I had no idea what exactly was not working...but I knew I needed to keep on painting. So I added collage ...dictionary pages, text, found papers...

 Then...I added more paint, drips and splatters of translucent ink in burnt sienna...more collage...some stamps and texture

 added lots of opaque blue paint...and more inks over top of that...also...two wings appeared. Maybe they will stay in the final painting or maybe not. I never really know and that's the magic of creating. isn't it?? The thrill of playing and experimenting and waiting for the the stories to unfold.

Here's the way I left her after my studio time...still not done but she's on her way to the painting she's meant to become. Stay tuned...

intention for today: day #13

"We came, not knowing
that all the work is so much
busyness of mind, all the worry
so much busyness of heart" -Mark Nepo
Friends...today I am going to be present. Read in the sunshine, dance, paint in my studio...and love with my whole heart. Today..I am going to try not to live in my mind so much...and more in my spirit. Today I am going to laugh from my belly and talk to trees. Today...I am going to be. here. now. xxx

documenting our truth: day #12

 Some days...I wonder what we ever did before the Internet!!!?? I mean...it's become an integral part of our lives in such a relatively short time. Now...with FB and twitter and blogs and...we can connect with others anywhere in the world!!! Pretty amazing when you think about it!! One of the most miraculous gifts of all of this is how we can document our truth, share our stories and connect with our tribe. I don't tell a lot of people in my everyday life that I blog...unless it comes up for some particular reason. Not that I'm ashamed of it...quite the contrary. I'm very proud of my scared space that houses my words and images...that captures my spirit and witnesses my journey. But..I understand that not everyone I meet in my real life is part of my tribe and...therefore...they may get weirded out, intimidated or just plain old not understand. They may not be kind or supportive. And...I'm okay with that. Really.

 And I think that until you blog...it's difficult to understand the magic and power it has to transform our lives...ourSELVES. There is an alchemical process that occurs when we stand firmly where we are...and start speaking our truth. When we show up day after day, week after week and begin with a tiny seed of hope, another tiny seed of sun. When we nurture it with our tears + authenticity...not knowing what may bloom forth...not knowing if what we are doing matters to anyone else but ourselves. But...doing it anyway.

The real magic is...that we start seeing. really + truly seeing. OurSELVES. Our truth. Our lives. We can be open to the magic and wonder of our journey. We can...BE. HERE. NOW. And all of this truth telling and connecting and witnessing makes us brave! And alive!! And...real. And it all spills over to our "real" lives until blog life and real life becomes one and the same. And along the way to becoming real...we may inspire a few others to do the same. We can connect with kindreds whom we know...in our heart of hearts...are really  long lost friends.  I have read blogs that have had me in awe and tears. I have read stories that have broken me open to the wonder and magic of being human...and showing it! And along the way...I am discovering mySELF. 

 

Along the way...I can walk into the light.

on making difficult choices: day #11

R

"Just trust yourself
then you will know how to live" -Goethe
Lately... there have been a whole lot of circumstances where I have been forced to make some very difficult choices.Really difficult!! Ones that involve lots of complicated factors, ones that have no simple answers...yet...they simply have to be addressed; they aren't going to disappear!! Ones that deal with real people...good people...with hopes + dreams + hearts. Now...here's the thing! I'm a firm believer that
*everything happens for a reason
*the exact people + circumstances manifest in your life to teach you life lessons
*these life lessons will continually show up (under different guises) until we learn how to resolve them.
So here I sit...having to sift and sort, sift and sort...to arrive at what I know in my heart of hearts is the very best for my family. And it's difficult...there are hurts and tears + hard realities. There is trying to balance compassion with honesty; reason with hope. And there are no easy answers!!! There is no book I can pick up that can give me the perfect Zen answer; one that resolves the situation without hurt hearts. So...what do I do??? 

*  talk from the heart
*  learn how to be (very) direct
*  learn how to listen (again...with my heart)
*  try to balance kindness + compassion with firmness
*  ask for what I want
*  accept that I can only do so much
* boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!
I realize that I bring all of my stories and unresolved pieces to my present; I know that we all do. So...with this mantra playing in my head..."be kind + firm. be kind + firm. be kind + firm"...I go forward... Knowing that we are all teachers to each other; all on this journey of life.