soulwork, heartwork, truthwork

 

(prints and original available here!!)

I've been reading through my old journals and diaries lately...mostly because I'm taking Brene's e-course and it requires a lot of deep soulwork...heartwork and truthwork. And so...I've had to go traipsing down a lot of dark alleys I really don't want to go back to. But...this is the work I have committed to.

Truth...much of my life has been filled with so much angst and broken-ness...I can barely breathe thinking about it now. There were huge periods of my life that were bleak and hopeless and what got me through...I still have no idea. Sometimes it was ...perhaps a line from a poem...a book...a bird flying through the sky on wings I wished were mine. Sometimes it was a person who took a moment to offer me a kind word...shelter. Sometimes...it was absolutely nothing but the faith in my heart that I would get through this...that everything was exactly as it was meant to be ( a bitter pill to swallow) and I was supposed to learn something grand from it all...that there was a lesson in all of the mysteries I couldn't wrap my head + heart around. Sometimes...there was numbing, toxic relationships, tears that never ended and ...writing which always healed something inside of me. Time and time again in my life...I have been broken in pieces...shattered. And this is what I can now say...

* we are all (yes...every single one of us) carrying enormous collective and personal pain. We may have different stories and different psyches..but it is part and parcel of the human experience. 

* every single time I have been shattered, I have been re-arranged like a kaleidoscope in the most wonderful of ways...a quiet strength, beauty + grace has crept into my heart and fortified my spirit. It is one of those huge mysteries of life that is not meant to be understood...only accepted with heartfelt gratitude. 

* Being honest about who we are takes big huge courage...each tiny step leading to the next. It's difficult as hell being in the trenches...but...really, it's where I need to be right now. xxx

on the other side of broken

  

These past few weeks I have been taking an unexpected (mini) break from my blog and sifting through my dreams and struggles. Writing, writing, writing everything down..navigating the geography of my heart to make my way to center. I am in kind of a strange place right now where things feel scary and overwhelming yet...familiar too. As if I have been here before, as if every single step leading up to now...has prepared me for this time. It's a place that is full of possibility and shining...yet heavy with pain and loss. It's right here that I have the opportunity to stretch, to grow my wings...to move beyond who I am and step into who I am becoming. Ever since i picked up this book a few weeks ago, I have been writing down my soul. all my stories...some long forgotten + some that I am creating as I go along. It's deep + difficult + good. I am on the other side of broken.

                                        (On the Other Side of Broken, archival print available here!)
For so much (most) of my life, I was broken. So so broken. Straggling along, pretending to be something I was not (whole) and...flitting in and out of other people's lives + dreams, not even thinking about what I wanted. I was just limping along trying to hold all my pieces together, living in the past trying to make some sense of my childhood. Not trusting in my voice, dumbing down, going along...this was how I lived my life. There I was...navigating the fault lines of scars + sorrows. I didn't want my life defined by wound-ology...but I didn't know any other way. But little by little...my journey unfolded and my work found me.  The spiritual, mental and emotional work of finding/creating/loving/healing/trusting mySELF. It found me and has prepared me for now...the other side of broken. And what does this place look like??

Well..I think it's different for everyone but for me, it's all about... allowing. whatever emotions/moods/thoughts come about...I  allow allow allow. It's difficult and takes diligent practicing...every single day. And here's the paradox: the other side of broken allows us to be broken. No shame/blame/hiding/fixing. I still struggle struggle struggle...with pain, inadequacy, loss, not being enough. Some days I struggle with guilt so deep and wide...should I put off my art until Tara is older and in school? Should I get more rest so I can actually spend quality time with Tim instead of passing out on the sofa...exhausted, should I cross out some of the stuff on my (very long) to-do list?? Some days I struggle with depression...of things I wish that were but ...are not. Most days I feel that life is just zooming on by and I really should slow down. These are human struggles... aren't they? But...this place is different. my marriage + mothering has allowed me to blossom because it has given me roots + wings both. My friendships now allow me  to grow and flourish. And my art + blog allow me the space to create and write from my heart and soul. In this place I can set boundaries, speak my truth, walk away or be intimate. In these  places I am not trying to be someone I'm not. In this place i can claim all of my pieces with dignity, strength and grace...even the shameful pieces, the hurt ones and the very very broken ones. In this space I have people who love and support me through it all (never had that before), who accept me, who will witness my pieces and hold them in  a space of...allowing. Simply...allowing me. to. be. me. And with this gift in my hand + heart...I can journey to all of these places within mySELF. To the other side of broken. I believe the same is true for us all.