journeying into the light

"We have stories to tell, stories that provide wisdom about the journey of life. What more have we to give one another than our 'truth' about our human adventure as honestly and as openly as we know how?" - Rabbi Saul Rubin
 I've been sorting through all of Tara's pics lately and came across this one right here...when she was about 5 months old. The thing is...I remember ever single aspect of this day...this very moment and it really does seem like yesterday. We, none of us, can fathom the mysteries of time...only that it passes. And passes. and passes. Here I was ...all of 40 years old...but still a very new mother. Blissed out, exhausted, unsure of myself, learning to trust my instincts while stumbling + falling every step of the way. And completely cocooned in the world of new motherhood. What I didn't know at the time was the transformation that lay ahead for me...the utter and complete dissolution of who I had been up to that point...and the (often slow) rebuilding of mySELF. This little girl right here birthed me more than I did her. She came into my life and ushered me into the light. Every time I faltered and stumbled...it was her precious spirit that lifted me up and carried me to a stronger place. A place where I could grow, bloom, thrive...a place where I could seek out all of the precious jewels within mySELF and wear them proudly. I had to begin to come to terms with my extremely abusive and highly dysfunctional childhood, I had to lift myself out of denial...and  really see the truth about my past with deep courage and insight...I had to do a lot of letting go, a lot of restructuring...a lot of crying and coming to terms with things as they really were...not as I would have liked them to be. Most importantly...I had to see the truth about mySELF. I had to begin the journey of becoming fully human; compassionate, joyful, brave, truthful, vulnerable...I started walking into the light. At first...it was terrifying, blinding, uncomfortable. I wanted to turn back to the safety and familiarity of the darkness...of course I did! But with each baby step...I went on and on and on. There was no map. I got lost. I stumbled along, I fell...I fell again.And again...and again.  And what happened was this: each time I  questioned my journey, each time I wanted to turn back or give up altogether...I was met with grace. Nothing short of sheer grace.

And here we are...just a few days ago...and this sweet, beautiful girl continues to lead me. She lives in the light..it's who she is. She teaches me how to be present, how to love with a wide open heart without fear or hesitation. She teaches me how to be authentic, strong, joyful. She teaches me how to claim all of my gifts with apology or negation...she teaches me how to live. And so we continue to journey together...into the light.

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And Tim and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary. We have grown so much together over these years...meeting each other in all of our places. We've had our ups and downs like everyone else...but we have come through on the other side more in love with each other. Truly...I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him.Grateful.  xxx

rewriting our stories

In the sharing of our stories...something profound happens. Magical...shifting...seeing...being seen...a path that has (perhaps) been there all along...reveals itself. Giving birth to my daughter was such an experience for me because, immediately, I knew that I was sharing my stories with her. This broke my heart because...some of my stories...I don't want to share with her. They are too sad, too broken, too much of a burden for her to carry. And so. I had to claim them as mine and then... rewrite them. Let them go. It's difficult to sift through the rubble, you know...and say...Oh! this one is mine + this one is not. It's daunting to break open stories and find other ones living inside of them...those not mine either but still ...there they are! But once we can sift through the real vs the unreal and really start writing our own stories...once we commit to the process...

 we can begin the journey of healing, rebuilding and creating the person we want to be...not living out the old stories of the person someone else wanted us to be. And this takes time (the entire rest of our lives, perhaps) and...courage, grace, community. and most of all (for me)...it takes a willingness. To 

*stumble

*be in pain

*keep on keepin' on

*be clumsy

*be joyFULL

*accept abundance

*see ourselves clearly

*be seen

But in affirming our wounds, feeling our pains and angers...we start the process toward healing + wholeness. And most of all...acceptance of what is. 

" She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."-Terri St. Cloud as quoted by Dr. Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

And while I know that Tara will write her own stories...that one day, she will claim what she wants to keep + let go of those other ones that don't serve her. Right now...my stories are her stories. And that makes me want to live more bravely, authentically...and to have more heart. It motivates me to look at mySELF with love and kindness and forgiveness. 

 What are your stories?The ones you want to keep + the ones you want to rewrite??