a story to tell

(tonight...in my studio)

I finally found  a babysitter  whom Tara adores and I feel 100% comfortable with...which means I have blocks of time to paint during the day!!! I have been working on quite a few canvases all at once (as I usually do)...backgrounds, faces, this + that. I feel the direction of my work changing...and it's exciting and frustrating and...aaah!!! growth!! I worked on this lady right here for a long  time...and then...just when I thought she was done...I felt that her face needed to be different somehow. She was too much like all my previous paintings (= holding onto the past + what's comfortable). But she wants to be heard...she is different...she has a story to tell; she wants to be seen.

Now here's the thing...I have absolutely no idea what she needs to say. I don't know what her story is...but... I am listening. I am open...aware...standing with her heart to heart...soul to soul ...on her journey. It may take me a long long time to gather all her pieces and lay them down on the canvas...or it may all come together like a puzzle. I have no idea. And it doesn't matter. The important thing is this; I am going to tell her story.

I am on this journey with her...and in doing so..I am journeying toward mySELF. 

the bravest

I had been working on this painting all of last week...this is part 3 (you may remember part 1 and 2 here and here). I start laying in color to her face and neck...I go for really warm/hot colors and focus more on tonal values at this stage.

Here is  a close up of her face...as you can see, the colors are very much the same as the  background. This lends a cohesiveness to the entire painting even if  I paint over parts.

I start painting in her facial features ...still focusing more on tones and shapes rather than colors and details. Now this is the part where I get totally restless and stumped...I have to paint over the background because it is competing with her face!! I don't want to paint over it...I love it and have worked so hard to get it just right and...But I know I have to ...eek!! isn't this so true about so many aspects of ourSELVES and our lives as well? We cling onto the past and those old pieces of ourSELVES even though we know we have to get rid of them to birth the new. So I start struggling struggling struggling...until I take a deep breath and remember to trust the process.

So...I paint over the background allowing little pieces to show through. I also paint over her eyes because I am not happy with it. I am not aiming for perfection...but her eyes must be alive. They must speak to me... sing and sparkle. I also paint over her dress a translucent pinky color . In the upper right corner (you probably can't see it clearly in this pic), I add a piece of collage that reads "NOT NEGOTIABLE" ...I love that! Because our bravery and hopes and dreams...our path to SELF is just that...not negotiable!

Now I am seeing this beautiful lady emerge...the one that makes my heart sing and my spirit soar. It feels like she has been there...waiting for me all along. I just had to be brave enough to get to her.

Now I start focusing more on colors and details...she is alive to me and is telling me her story..."for the bravest woman" and aren't we all just that? We are, all of us, the heroes of our own lives. Who can know of the deep and secret pain that we carry? Who can know of all our broken pieces that we keep held together fiercely with soul strength,  prayers and...gratitude? Who can measure the depth and breadth of our sorrow, our spirit? Our courage and heart?

(the bravest, archival print available here!)

*Also, I just started signing my paintings again. There is a deeply personal reason why I stopped doing this for quite some time...perhaps, one day,  I will share the story over here.