into the light

                                           (here I am -5 or 6 months preggo with Tara!)
 Ever since I first started reading blogs all these many years ago...I have wanted to share my birth/pregnancy story as I have witnessed so many other women do. Now that Tara just turned 4 and I am filled with nostalgia and sadness at the passing of time...I though it would be the perfect time.
 I had a difficult pregnancy in so many ways...extreme nausea throughout. Who came up with the term "morning" sickness??? I mean...I was green the entire time!! This is one of the few pics I took while I was pregnant...it is one of my deepest regrets that I didn't take more (Tara loves looking at them and squeals in delight when I tell her she was in my belly!). Also... I had no support at all. Of course Tim was there with me throughout my pregnancy...my rock. He came with me to every single medical appointment, went on my daily walks and did everything he could to pamper me. I remember once, through a particular difficult time, Tim pinned up an ultrasound pic of Tara by my bedside to encourage me. But still...I had no female support or community; no familial support. I did have a few good friends who would sent me e-mails to cheer me up or make me laugh...I cherished them! This was waaaaay before I started my blog.

                                            (8 months pregnant...I'm thinking)
So here I was...I couldn't paint because of the toxicity of the materials, sick all the time and very much isolated. I read, filled up sketchbooks with drawings, started scrapbooking and exercised right up until a week before I gave birth. I was terrified!! Of labor, of the health of my baby (I was 40!!), about whether I would be a good mom...about everything! I was nauseated... 24 hours  a day from the time I found out I was pregnant pretty much through my 6th month. I'll skip the gruesome details.  I gained so much weight...my knees got fat! I was hormonal...everything made me cry. I was so vulnerable....all my defenses were stripped away. I also had some very negative energy in my life...it was hurtful and draining...but absolutely necessary for what was to follow.  I didn't know it at the time...but my entire being was preparing to birth this beautiful soul; my sweet girl. Did I mention I was terrified???And the last month I was pregnant...all I dreamt about was cheesecake!! It's true!
 As difficult as my pregnancy was-my labor was relatively easy. I was up and walking around the very next day, can you believe? Also... a fact of life: an epidural is a girl's best friend:) Just saying!!

(Tara-just a few weeks old)

 As soon as I first set eyes on Tara...she conquered me. Absolutely. In truth...I don't ever remember her being this tiny. All those first weeks and months were an absolute blur of no sleep, breastfeeding, long walks with Tara snuggled in my Moby wrap and...falling head over heels in love with this tiny person. My entire life revolved around her...every waking moment was spent doting on her and I carried her all the time. I couldn't imagine a time when she didn't exist in our lives. All my doubts and anxieties slipped away and I realized really fast that I had to be present for my family...for my daughter. Somehow...the alchemical combination of turning 40 and giving birth all in the same month completely changed me...forged me into steel and opened me up to vulnerability all at once. The truly important things came into sharp focus. Defenses I had spent my lifetime building up...just crumbled to dust overnight. In it's place...I gathered mySELF. 

                                                      (Tara -4 months old)

In truth...Tara birthed me as much as I birthed her; motherhood transformed me into an entirely different person. When she was 9 months old, Tim encouraged me to start painting again by turning our guest bedroom into my studio. Then a few months later I started my blog...I had no idea what I was doing! But all of these things...motherhood, marriage, painting, blogging, community...they all strengthened me and propelled me on my way. Into the light. I gathered up my courage and made some difficult choices. I put one step in front of the other...not knowing the destination but certain I was on the right path.

                                                           (just last week)
Now...my sweet birdie is growing up and going out into the world bit by bit. Her teacher, her friends, learning...they are slowly taking up more and more space in her life. And it makes me sad for those days when I had her entirely to myself...but happy and proud, too, to see her walk down her own path. And she is curious, full of sass and smiles...and can we say bossy??? But totally charming and full of heart + life + drama + girly pink sparkles.

And just like that...Tara turned 4!! She had a couple of friends over from school and had a smashing good time. I was a worried goose ...what if this didn't work out or what if this happened?? Etc etc. But then...when she blew out her candles and cut her cake...I decided to simply relish in the joy of this moment. This absolutely wondrous, magical time of childhood moments. I decided to enjoy her.

                                             (into the light, mixed media on archival paper)
And now we walk forward...into the light.

the story behind the story

                                              (a page from my Outsider Journals)

 “ Let’s bare our arms and plunge them deep through laughter, through pain, through sorrow, through hope, through disappointment, into the very depths of the souls of our people and drag forth materials crude, rough, neglected. Then let’s sing it, dance it, write it, paint it.”

                                                                                             -Aaron Douglas

There are  always stories behind stories...big huge ones or tiny seeds. This is a big huge story so...please bear with me. Just last week I completed answering questions for an interview I did with soul sister Rita Banerji. I had been sitting with them for a while...I wrote tons and tons and then edited and edited. So...here's the thing. I realise that if I am going to claim my story...my entire story...then I have to talk about things I don't necessarily want to. sometimes. I have to be brave enough to share what I have been through and what I have learned from them . I edited this out of the interview thinking..."oh! it's not that important...no one would be interested in that". But the truth is this right here: it's deeply deeply painful and there's a lot of shame + blame + guilt + other "yucky" emotions all tied into it that it was so much easier to edit it out. But it's big huge important. In large part because it is so difficult.

( a page from my sketchbook)

I have always always always been an outsider; in my "family" of origin, in my community and culture. I was an unwanted and unloved child (it's the absolute truth and now that I am a mom...I am finally coming to terms with it more more than ever). I have been thrown away, devalued and tossed aside more times than I can remember...by people I have deeply loved in both my childhood + adult life. The whys don't matter (to me) as much as the experience of having lived my life in a perpetual state of "not enough". No matter what I did...it simply hasn't been enough for the people who were in my life. I guess we all have these feelings from time to time and certainly as we get older. Both women and men face this in degrees. I mean- as women- don't we fear getting older and being thrown away by society. When all the qualities we are valued for in our families and society in general...our sexuality, our mothering and care taking abilities...when all of those have eroded or no longer needed...don't we have a deep down fear of not being seen anymore? Marginalized? Unwanted? Unloved? Thrown away?

                                                             (on my inspiration board)

I had to do a lot of soul searching + soul mending and it was  a long and difficult road. It took me years and years...through a lot of my twenties and even into my thirties. It wasn't until I leaned to love mySELF hard and true that I started to heal. In retrospect, it wasn't one event either....but a multitude of people + situations that came into my life fortuitously. Oh!! at the time I didn't think so at all!!! I had a little pity party for mySELF...why does this always happen to me, poor me etc etc. You know the deal right??:) It was only until I stepped back and said "what can I learn from this?", "what can I do differently?", "why am I attracting these situations into my life?" that I started to transform. I had to view things through an archetypal lens ;it wasn't personal at all...the people in my life were simply my teachers. It was only then that I could truly heal, truly love mySELF and attract people into my life that were healthy for me. Of course it's never a straight road and there are always a lot of detours + things:)  But...that's all part of the journey...right??

(a few days ago..Tara and I on our way to a lunch date)

But now I can claim my stories proudly....share them honestly and continue learning from them. And of course...there are always tons of lessons just around the corner:) Now I can see the (many) gifts that have come from my pain and shame and being thrown away. They are precious jewels of wisdom. humility. gratitude. tenacity. resilience. knowing what's truly important (to me). And I can bare my vulnerable + tender parts because...it's what makes us human + alive. xxx