(self portrait, Canyon Road, New Mexico)
I am feeling my heart lift...in a big way. I don't think it's any one thing that did it. A few weeks ago I was fine...just walking along life doing my thing when BAM!!! I fell into the abyss of "I am not enough", "why am I not there isn't of here" on and on. It took me by surprise and then started to snowball. but now...I feel my heart lift. It's not any one thing ...It's listening to Mati Rose + Wilo talk about playing and allowing when we create. allow ourSELVES to make mistakes, try out new things and just show up. For our work and our lives. It's listening to this talk by Elizabeth Gilbert who so articulately describes the demons and monsters we face in our creative lives. It's shining in the knowing of who I am . Who I am becoming. It's our short trip to New Mexico that was full of art + sunshine + inspiration + magic + laughter. It's loving how my hubby thinks of me in so many many ways large and small. And shows me. It's new art supplies (trying out Montana Gold spray paints). It's the opening of my heart...laughing more easily + crying more easily. okay!!!...some of this is hormonal, I'm sure:) But anyhoo....
(on our way home)
After reading this post right here...I realised how very uncertain life is. How we can't take any of it for granted. not one moment. How grace + laughter + gratitude are gifts we give not only to each other...but to ourSELVES. How we can only be who we are truly are; warts and all. And if someone doesn't like us for who we are then...so.be.it. that speaking and living our truth is what really matters. And as much as this post made me tear up...it also lifted me.
It's tapping into my anger about things. It's vital and raw...necessary and conducive to creativity. Not pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist. It's setting boundaries and not going along just so I don't make someone else uncomfortable...at my own expense. It's learning how to say "NO". Kindly and gently. but firmly. and mean it.
(sacred feet for a sacred journey)
It's making space for the sacred everyday. In my own way. What feels good and right for me. What fills me up. Breathing in nature. communing with the earth. talking to trees. Writing in my journal. Spending quiet time with Tara and Tim. Painting. Sitting under the stars. Getting rid of dogma and going straight to the source. black mud. rain. a gala of color.
It's taking better care of this one body I inhabit (I just ordered some hemp powder) and am starting to work out again, bad knee and all. I read about this simple Buddhist meditation practice a few weeks ago where you take a few minutes every morning to sit still with your body and thank every part for what it does..."thank you liver for...thank you feet for...thank you eyes for..." It may sound so silly but ...just try it!!! It takes me out of the mindset of focusing on what's not working so well (my knee) and into a space of appreciation and gratitude. It puts a "smile in your kidneys" as the Dalai Lama says:) Oops. Got my wise men mixed up...it was Elizabeth Gilbert's Ketut who said that!!
(this morning...a precious little girl, sunshine + artmaking)