around here lately

 My sweet gorgeous girl turned 7...I can hardly even believe it! I remember the very first time I laid eyes on her and it seems like a moment ago. But in between these 7 years, she has grown and blossomed and bloomed and is thriving in every which way...it's kind of incredible. She is sweet and strong and kind and smart and sassy too, thank you very much! She has her own mind, is incredibly curious and creative...and we just love her to pieces. I am so very very incredibly grateful that I get to be her mom...that I get to nurture and love and foster her growth and witness her journey. She is the sun and the moon and the stars to us and I can't even begin to imagine what life was like before her.

 Oh! Also...she's a complete daddy's girl now and loves to go on all sorts of adventures with him.

 We got a new addition to our family...this sweet little mutton pie right here. Tim has been wanting a puppy since Tara was about a year and a half. But...the timing was so not right! Tara was just a toddler and needed my full care and attention plus we were moving across country and Tim was away for work a lot and on and on. And Tara has desperately wanted a puppy for the past couple of years...but once again, the timing just wasn't right...Tim had so many major surgeries last year on and on. But now that we have this sweet little bundle ...we couldn't be happier. He is a Doberman (with uncropped ears), 7 weeks old and a sweet little pudding. We just love him so. Tara dotes on him and he on her; he has been an incredibly warm and loving spirit to our family and we are ever so grateful. Oh...and his name is Maximus Jellybean Biko or Maxi for short!

And I am really excited about my art....the way it is freeing up and getting more looser and more whimsical...more emotional and experimental. I have no idea where it will lead....but I am allowing grace to carry me; I don't need to know!

notes from the journey

 “You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing, and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.”-Jiddu Krishnamurti
 I have been dealing with some hard truths lately...changing entire paradigms.And it has been difficult... physically and emotionally draining. But so so necessary; a gift. And what has been sustaining me is love, art, poetry, truth, journaling, reading, trees, wide open skies, courage, friendship, kindness, self care, green grass, music, tears, letting go.I am leaning into faith and surrender more than ever. Trusting the process, trusting mySELF, trusting truth. I am allowing...no judgements, expectations or burdens to bear. It's difficult. And I have to continually remind myself...it's not meant to be otherwise. It's giving me the opportunity to lean into my wiser self and to strengthen parts of mySELF that have been hidden. It's the portal through which I can expand the possibilities of who I am and heal all the brokenness. It's soul medicine.

 "Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak it's truth, she is pressured to be silent." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, WWRWW

To fellow travelers on the journey... xxx

around here lately: unintended journeys + opening pathways

The thing I love most about unintended journeys is that they are exactly what we need ...when we need it!! The journey I'm talking about is the inner one...the one that is sometimes (but not always) facilitated by outer ones. I think when we travel in the physical world...we get out of our routines, regular lives, the hum drum of it all and see things with new eyes + ideas. I feel so much freer to deconstruct and reconstruct mySELF...every day or every moment. Trying on different things as they suit me. The thing is...for the past couple of months or so...I've been feeling extremely lost, anxious, insecure, untethered in so many ways and ...in large part because Tara starts full time Kinder. There is a huge sense of loss with my baby going out into the world. There is a huge sense of "what am I going to do with my days" because the last 5+ years have been entirely taken up with being a full time mommy. And while I know that her going off into the world is exactly the way it should be...exactly what she needs ...it had left me very much unbalanced. But strangely enough...on our recent trip to the East Coast...I saw the faint lights of  opening pathways. There are going to be some big changes around here...I can feel it!

The first part of our trip was all about the beach...waking up with the sun and walking down to the ocean outside our doorstep. Oh!!! Bliss. There was a whole lot of watching the waves, squealing and walks and building sand castles. Tara is a complete ocean girl BTW...just like her daddy. Tim is a military trained deep sea diver (fearless) and I, on the other hand, having grown up in S. Africa (home of great whites that you can see from the shore!!) am petrified of deep ocean water. Tara is an absolute water baby, though, and I love seeing her adventurous spirit.

 

I've been re-reading Dr. Angelou's classic I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read it so many years ago in my first years of college and (with her recent passing) felt called to read it again with my 45 year old self rather than my 18 year old perspective. I felt deeply honored and in awe of her truthtelling. Of the way she pulled me into her world with such ease and grace. Another funny thing that happened is that on my trip...I must have seen about 10 other people randomly reading the very same book...a person at the airport, another while we were eating lunch etc. It was a bit startling but synchronicity at work...a note from the Universe (I deeply believe) telling me I'm on the right path.

*P.S. I made this collage inspired by Susannah Conway's recent collage making goodness. I got out all of these old mags, a pair of scissors and glue and Tara and I had so much fun doing our own thing while chatting and laughing. Fun, fun + fun!!  Totally going to do more of this!

 

The second part of our journey was much more fast paced...a few heavily touristed sites, up to Baltimore (one of my very fave places!!) and we spent 2 full days at the Smithsonian. We had only planned for one day there but Tara was so enamored at the Museum of Natural History that she insisted we go back there a second time!!!She loved all the larger than life animal exhibitions, the dinosaurs were a fabulous hit and of course...she loved leading and teaching us all about...well, everything. I adore that Tara is so brilliantly curious and excited about learning. It  makes me happy. One of the most important takeaways from being in D.C. though is that while we thought we may want to move back there...we decided that the traffic was unbearable!!! I guess if you live there you simply grow accustomed to it?? Also the cost of living is through the roof crazy. We lived in that area over 6 years ago (before Tara was born) and either we have become used to the minimal traffic in Colorado or...it has become that much worst over the past few years. While I would love to live in that part of the country with all of the opportunities it presents for my family...sigh...back to the drawing board.  

And I must say that even though I absolutely love travel...it makes me so happy to be back home. I love waking up in the quiet of the morning with the sunshine streaming through the windows...my morning coffee and journaling. And what I am realizing is that, as I get older...I love and need my routines as much as I do stepping out of them!!! Ying and yang...both are equally important, don't you think??

And I serendipitously came across this quote flipping through old mags during my collage making. It totally resonates with me at this time in my life. I have been doing a lot of healing, journaling, soul-mending work and while it is entirely necessary...it has also been extremely difficult.I have had to make an extra effort to be kind and nurturing to mySELF . To make a safe place where I can witness and experience the many emotions this work is bringing to the surface. Emotions and memories I have shut away and not allowed mySELF to feel since ...forever. And truthfully...it's been ...pretty messy and muddled and painful and exhausting . It's brought up so many feelings of deep rage + shame + fears + deep sadness...all of those very messy feelings I would so much rather not deal with. But now is the time. And I have to continually remind myself that ...it's not meant to be easy. Deep breath. So to find this quote was nothing short of a tiny miracle. Now I can turn my heart toward hope...and even though I am far from where I would like to be...I am heading that way...one tiny breath at a time. With each tiny intention and choice...I am marching toward hope. With faith and surrender...I am heading that way. 

With this opening path...I feel so many many changes coming along. I am thinking about transitioning to a vegan diet. Not sure if this is practical for me but...toying with the idea. In my early twenties (ahem...while dating a beautifully spirited Rastaman) I was vegan for a year but it became a bit tedious and impractical for me after a while. I was also a vegetarian for some years but that didn't work for me either...too heavy on the carbs with my tastes for all things pasta. Stepping out of my comfort zone ...I am changing and growing and becoming. Maybe it's a midlife awakening. More than ever ...I am truly grateful for the journey.  And this pic from yesterday...can you tell...we are glad to be back home. xxx

week in pics (around here lately)

                                            (photo taken by Tara and edited by proud mamma!)
 "Run my dear from anything
that may not strengthen 
your precious budding wings"- Hafiz (I just came across this quote in the new O magazine and instantly fell in love with it! Great advice and inspiration for us all. 

 

xxx