CA beautiful

pixie dust and fairy magic!!

with profound love and gratitude

 "His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time. We rightly and best remember Dr. King's soaring oratory that day, how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions."-President Obama

off for some adventures!!

 I'm taking  a break from my August break, friends!! We are off on a road trip for some grand adventures, supreme relaxing, sand and sunshine.
*Please note that my Etsy shop is still open but all sales will be mailed off September 4. Thank you!!!

what fills my heart

work in progress

unfolding

 “Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”
                                                                                                                       -Rumi

intention for today

 

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl

feministing etc

                                             (Beautiful You, archival print available here)

 “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” _Audre Lorde, Our Dead Behind Us: Poems
I'm a feminist! It surprises and confuses me that this word still carries so much weight to it; ugly suppositions and negativity. Anyways...I had no intention of writing a long post this morning but...so much is on my mind and heart. Twitter blew up the other day with feminists from all over the world (women of color) responding with the hashatg #solidarityisforwhitewomen. First thing...I don't agree with the hashtag but I definitely agree with the anger and the necessary dialogue that has to happen. Women Studies was my minor at the  University of Alberta (over 20 years ago now) and the exact same exclusion was apparent then (as it is now). When I took my first class and fell head over heels in love with it...what I didn't immediately realize was the exclusion of women of color; I didn't see myself at all. Nowhere. There was a blank nothing...invisibility, denial or degradation. It was stark and hurtful. So this was feminism...the empowerment of women but where was I??? Why were my concerns not being addressed??? Why was it supposed that all women had the exact same concerns to begin with?? Why was there no talk of the racism apparent in Western feminist thought?? Built into it's very history? Why was there no recognition of white privilege?? So many questions...but no answers!! Equally so...when I tried to talk about feminism to Indian women they looked at me as if I had grown 3 heads. There was a palpable anger, hatred and ostracism that occurred because I identified myself as a feminist. Not to even mention the overwhelming racism that is present in Indian culture as a whole (separate blog post needed here!!). One of the things I  quickly realized was this right here...just because you are a woman, doesn't make you my sister. So true, so true. 

 “My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.” -Audre Lorde
   Thankfully I found the works of Audre Lorde, Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Patricia Hill Collins, Bell Hooks, Ntozake Shange, Gloria Anzaldua and more. These women gathered me up, sheltered me, spoke to my deepest heart and threw me a lifeline. They didn't speak for me or tell me what to think or how to feel...they showed me a path so I could think for myself, feel for myself.  But here's the thing...I found these women on my own; they were not included in class discussions and reading materials. Why??? When I  asked my professors I usually got  a blank stare or a sidestepping of my questions. That was over 20 years ago and I had assumed things were better, more inclusive, more representative of who I am in this world...of who I can be. Not so, not so.

 "I was going to die, sooner or later, whether or not I had even spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you.... What are the words you do not yet have? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language."  -Audre Lorde
In those 20 years since...I have gone through an evolution within myself and now that I have  a daughter...things are that much more urgent for me. I want her to be whoever she wants to be without any culture or society putting her in boxes of their making. I want her to stand strong in her identity without the negative labelling of race and gender telling her what she should think...who she is. I want her to have the clarity of her voice, the right to her anger and the space to share her stories. I want her to move in this world claiming all of herSELF without having to negate or deny any part of who she essentially is. Her race and her gender make her unique in this world (as they do for each of us)and they are not negatives. But how do I get her to see that when it's so deeply entrenched in every societal institution?? Including western "feminism"

                                              (Magic, archival print available here)

“I am my best work - a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.” -Audre Lorde

Gender and race don't intersect equally nor does one automatically and generically trump the other. I think it's very individual to each person, the societal context we live in, the histories we carry on our backs and in our hearts. All those many years ago...I didn't see myself being represented in feminism...and even today...I still don't fit in. But this being an outsider -which has caused me so much suffering for most of my life-is such an amazing gift!!! It has been an act of grace that I am thankful for...no boxes to fit in, no path to follow, no ideologies to subscribe to. I can take what I believe, what works for me at his time, what makes my heart sing... from any source. And that is beautiful!!! It's powerful...empowering...feministing. So, friends..while there is much work to be done...we can gather up our voices, share our stories and make ourselves heard. We can. We will. We are!! We are doing the essential work within ourselves, in our partnering and mothering, in our work and communities, our friendships and politics...in our writings. We are!

on my easel this morning

seeking...and finding

"In seeking what is essential,
we become essential" -Mark Nepo

the ways in which we struggle

"Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by their covering, cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. Remove the covering and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power. Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the angel's hand that brings it to you. Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, or a duty, believe me, that angel's hand is there; the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing presence." ~ Fra Giovanni, 
 
 Lately, for the past month or so, I have been struggling with my mothering abilities. I have been questioning some of the decisions I have made, choices that seemed right at the time but in retrospect have not been the best...and I have been struggling. There have been  a lot of tears, sleepless nights, reaching out to friends and...sometimes...outright meltdowns. I have been doing a lot of looking into my own heart, assessing, writing in my journal, reading and of course, many many discussions with Tim. There are stumbles, failures and falls on this life/mothering journey...of course, of course!! But...why does it have to shatter and shake us up so much?? *deep breath*
I think it's so the light can come in, we can stop and assess and...a new path can be forged . Like everything else...it's not  linear journey...there's a whole lot of backtracking and missteps. There's a whole lot of pain and inadequacy...deep seated fears that rear their ugly heads...the nagging feeling that says "I should have known better". But all that matters to Tim and I is this little girl right here being happy and confident and filled with love. And now I can say that this has been a huge learning opportunity for our family...and a gift, really. We are working through this as a family...and it makes us stronger, kinder, more truth-filled. Gifts...all.

I am here