My He(ART)-Full Life by Soraya Nulliah

inspired by...

2012-02-17T10:02:00.002-08:00

(my inspiration board...in progress)

* this month's O mag. It's all about de-cluttering. Man! Do I ever need to get rid of stuff...I have stuff in my closet I am never going to wear!! Ever!
* The series of posts over here...all about self-care. So need to read (and apply!!) this deep + healing wisdom.
* This workbook here that I picked up at the thrift store...all about infusing our lives with simplicity + creating space for the new.
* Robyn Gordon of Art Propelled...I did an amazing interview with her that I am going to post soon....I have been reading and re-reading it to glean all I can about how this brilliant + amazing artist works.
* love love love these freakin' amazing photos from Bekwith & Fisher. I am a huge huge fan of their work...fell in love instantly + a long time ago.
* So proud of this amazing Canadian girl...love her work + her words!!
* Indian silks. Love the colors + combinations and workmanship. Love!!!
* Adele!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend...wherever you are...in your corner of the world.

my studio right now

2012-02-14T21:11:00.001-08:00

Right before I got this awful virus...I was in the middle of setting up my studio. Parts of it look completely done and other parts are a huge mess!! It exhausted me just to walk in there today!! There is just so much to do...I don't have the energy for it right now...but I am always planning things out in my head. LOL

This huge (I think it's 24" x 30") acrylic painting is a still life (called Apples + Bowl) I did many many years ago...it's kind of strange to see it now after it being packed away for so long. I love the ordinary beauty of the
still life, though, and have done quite few of them over the years. The wooden statues are African (I think from Ghana)...both pairs were gifted to me a long, long, long time ago by a sweet lady named Bernie.

This is a scrap piece of fabric (from Ikea) I had leftover from a project...I just love the graphic quality + the lines so I framed it.

This gorgous wooden chest was actually in Tara's nursery in our last place...but we didn't really need it here so I am going to repaint it (one day!!) and maybe change out the hardware. Okay...you can see some of my clutter + mess in this pic!!

This is a watercolor portrait I did (also...many years ago) called Man In Orange Turban...it's probably going to hang up on the wall eventually.

Lots + lots of sketchbooks, journals, notebooks, creative mags etc etc.

Eeek...more mess + clutter!! But this corner is eventually going to turn into my reading/writing/thinking corner...I have to get a sofa. Plus...I also need curtains...the Indian patchwork ones I had in my last studio don't fit here. Oh! And I am also going to have a coffee/tea station in this are too:)

That bookshelf you see out in the hallway has to, uh...somehow, find it's way into my studio too!!!

Aren't these containers too cute??? I picked a few up at Ikea...they are actually plant pots but are perfect for all sorts of things in my studio. Thanks so much for looking at my studio..if you have any ideas...please let me know:)
*I am feeling a little better each day but...not completely well yet. Trying not to do too much all at once.

getting better...slowly

2012-02-12T21:23:00.002-08:00

(Tara watching the birds from our kitchen window...this morning)

It has been a slow + difficult week over here but I am finally just starting to feel a little better. Like so many moms...I suck at self care!! I say I'm going to take better care of myself but...it just tends to get pushed to the back burner until I am forced to. This past week I have been going to bed at 8:30 (!!!) with Tara, drinking lots of hot chocolate (with whole milk) and just resting. Ever since I became a mom...I have never felt more vulnerable, humbled or as dependent on the kindness of strangers...but especially when I'm sick. It just kinda' hits you really hard...being completely responsible for the care of your child + being sick and having to rest too. And thank you all so much for your concern and well-wishes. xxx

****On another (very sad) note...I just found out that Whitney Houston died. I grew up with her music and have always been in complete awe of her. So so sad that this gorgeous, talented + gifted woman couldn't fight her demons. Isn't it strange how so many otherwise brilliant women make such poor choices in men? I watched her on an Oprah interview after her divorce where she spoke of the private humiliation and abuse she went through in her marriage...it was just heartbreaking to watch. I think, sometimes, when we see these very rich/famous/beautiful/talented people...we tend to forget that underneath all of that are human beings. With hearts + sufferings + vulnerabilities like us all. May you be at peace, now, dear soul.

forced to slow down

2012-02-07T07:07:00.001-08:00

Dear friends...I am sick. It all started quite suddenly on Friday night and by the time I went to the Urgent Care Center on Sunday morning...I was in the thick of runny eyes,, chills + fever etc. I have an upper respiratory viral flu which means...lots of rest and fluids and meds. Of course...with Tim being away for work and with Tara who needs my constant care + attention...it's been pretty difficult. Thank the heavens we have some pretty great neighbours who have been there for us. I am surprised it didn't happen sooner because I was just doing waaaay too much. For some reason I thought I could unpack everything (by myself), set up my studio, re-open my Etsy shop, convert my closet into an office, etc etc all while taking care of Tara, looking for classes for her etc. I think it's just my body saying "hey!! we told you to slow down and since you don't have the good sense to listen...we're stepping in!!". Now I have no choice...I have to slow down:) xxx

so true, so true

2012-02-03T05:19:00.003-08:00

(the Holstee Manifesto-LOVE!!!)

birthdays + more

2012-02-01T20:53:00.001-08:00

(yesterday...Princess Tara turns 3!!)

Yesterday was Tara's birthday...I just can't believe how grown up my little girl is!! It was full of blessings + wishes...we had the most love-filled day. I had planned on writing a happy happy blog post full of birthday pics but...this is the sad truth. Since I wrote this blog post last week...my heart has been filled with a heavy sadness at all the little girls in the world who won't even have a first birthday. I am not trying to be morbid...but it's simply the truth. So even as we celebrate...there is a part of me that feels despair + sadness at what it means to be a girl in so many parts of the world. I also read this post right here by Lis and can totally commiserate with her feelings. I agree with her that we, as mothers, have to be strong...and pass on that strength to our daughters. So...while I wish my Tara a happy birthday..I also wish that there were more little girls who would get the opportunity to celebrate theirs.

quote to live by

2012-01-30T17:56:00.002-08:00

I just love love love this quote!! I have been collecting quotes for most of my life...I have notebooks filled with them. Somehow...great quotes seem to distill wisdom and grace and impart them on the reader in a matter of seconds...don't you think? Quotes have got me through some rough + tough times...sometimes when I have been hanging on by a thread. They have also seen me through the most amazingly joyous celebrations and events. Do you have a fave. quote?

3 years into motherhood

2012-01-26T20:23:00.002-08:00

Tara turns 3 in a few days and besides feeling happy + proud + sad (all at once) that she is growing up so fast...I am also reflecting on how motherhood has been the journey of my life!! Maybe it's because I turned 40 and gave birth all in the same month (!!) but...giving birth was actually the process of me birthing mySELF. It has been a transformative, soul shattering, heart opening journey; a crash course in vulnerability. It changed everything. Period. Is it always bliss? Heck no!!! Being a good parent is the most difficult thing in the world...kind of like trying to run a marathon... in the dark!!! There are no manuals and it all happens largely in isolation. But...it is the most important aspect of my life...to raise my daughter as best I can. And here she is...very sassy + self assured, smart and silly all at once, part princess + part tomgirl. Every day is an adventure and she inspires me to be kinder, tougher, more resilient + more vulnerable while also reminding me that I am loved exactly as I am. She is a gift...unequaled.

a blessing for my art

2012-01-24T20:55:00.002-08:00

(tonight-in my studio)

Tonight I started in on my studio...it's going to take awhile but..I actually broke out my paints!! And I said a blessing for this new studio of mine...it is my deepest deepest wish that I will create art that comes deep from my heart...that I will surrender to my own unique wildness + grace, pour out stories that are raw + healing. That I collect all the pieces of mySELF and lay them bare.That my art will evolve...as I do...and I will manifest my own unique songs + poetry in paint. I want to claim + honor my stories right here on my blog, through my art + through my relationships + connections. I am excited about what this year will hold; I want to make mistakes, go back to beginner mind...and most of all ...be open.

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Kelly, you won the Somerset Mag. giveaway! I mailed it off to you a couple of days ago so...hopefully you will receive it soon!!

"women hold up half the sky"

2012-01-22T21:53:00.004-08:00

(Music II, Shakti series, 2007)

“Women hold up half the sky.”

-Mao Zedong

This certainly isn't the first time I have written about India's gendercide on my blog...but every time I sit down to write about it... I feel equal parts furious, helpless and ...infinite sadness. Of course the war against girls is a worldwide phenomenon when you take into account economic disparities, lack of resources for females, violence etc etc. But nowhere else on the planet are they exterminating girls like in India and China!! It is happening at such an alarming rate...even I am staggered at the numbers...50 million...100 million...over 200 million... on and on. It is not a cultural phenomenon...it is sheer madness, hate and murder; genocide. Reading about it can seem so unreal...as if it's not really happening...that it's just words and numbers. But it's not!!

(my Tara)

It's tiny sweet faces like my Tara right here. It's little fingers and toes wanting to hold and reach and grow. It's eyes that want to see, voices that want to be heard...hearts that want to beat. It's tiny helpless faces that are trusting they will be loved and taken care of. And...it just doesn't happen. The gendercide in India and China are skewing gender ratios worldwide. In India...it is considered a curse to have a baby girl and being a woman in such a misogynistic society is dangerous right from birth onwards.

(self portrait-2010)

So...here I am...very much westernised but still...I come from these bloodlines + heart-lines + soul-linesof India and my heart breaks every single time I read about this. Now that I am a mother and I have a precious baby girl...it has become that much more personal to me. What can we do?? Become informed, advocate, sign the petition, spread the word. Please. We must we must we must. If we don't...who will?

exploring, taking a breather + a super simple DIY project

2012-01-20T10:45:00.002-08:00

Tara and I took most of the day off yesterday...exploring a bit and driving around. We hung out at the park for well over an hour (the weather has been gorgeous...almost like spring!!)...and she just loves riding her princess bike she got for Xmas. Of course I still did a little bit of stuff around the house...I guess the trick is balance, right?? So...I wanted to share a super simple DIY project with you all...

I am all about infusing creativity into Tara's everyday life. This is a little corner in her room that I turned into a dress up area. All I did was put up a mirror (this one from Ikea is childproof, colorful, whimsical ...and super cheap) and a crate underneath filled with dress up clothes (tutus, handbags, old Halloween costumes etc)...and it's all done!! She just loves it! Now...I have seen some amazing and pretty elaborate ones online...but I decided to stick with this super simple one for right now. Dressing up is a fantastic way to fuel creativity + imagination in a child, fostering self esteem and possibility. Plus...it's just plain fun!! Oh!! and dressing up isn't only for girls...just take a look at this amazing corner right here!!
Have a great weekend friends...I will be trying to balance rest + work!!

overwhelm blues

2012-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

Okay...so here's the thing...despite my best intentions to take it easy and slooooowly get settled in and unpacked...for the past 3 days I have been working non-stop unpacking boxes and sorting and organizing and getting rid of and...Until I am pretty much pooped. I am tired + overwhelmed + blue. Sometimes I wish I could sit around all day eating bonbons and watching soaps. I hate soaps...well, maybe talk shows or something. Anyways...sometimes I just get so tired of all the...doing. Do you know what I mean?? But...there are things that have to get done...balance gets thrown out the window and...we just do the best we can while trying to be gentle with ourSELVES and the ones we love. Sometimes that's the most difficult part of it all.

taking time to...

2012-01-17T03:05:00.001-08:00

(Garden of the Gods-Co.)

*breathe

*commune with nature

*open up to life

*walk

*talk

*laugh

*step fully into this moment

*embrace beauty

*live with uncertainty

In between all of our settling in...we made time to ...just be. It has been so good for me to step away from the computer for a whole 4 days (!!!) but...I really missed being here:)

published in this month's Somerset Studio(!!), a giveaway + getting back to basics

2012-01-12T16:03:00.003-08:00

I just got my mail and I found this right here!!! I have a piece of mail art published in this month's Somerset Studio!!!! Am I dreaming??? The funny thing is, I just picked up a copy of the magazine a few days ago but hadn't got around to reading it yet. I am still reading Where Women Create. I take my sweet time reading my fave mags..I savor every single word and article (sometimes 2 or 3 times)...and google all the artists and contributors. It's like a mini vacation for me. Seriously. Anyhoo!!!

So I furiously started looking for a piece of my art...and here it is!!!

Thank you Somerset!!! Thank you thank you thank you

What a magical way to start off the year!!

And since I now have two brand new copies of the mag. (I received a complimentary one from Somerset)...I would like to spread the goodness and give one away. All you have to do to enter is leave a comment of one of your fave. quotes! I am looking for a few inspiring quotes to post up in my studio:)
**And FB users can leave a comment on my page and I will include them in my drawing...sometime next week.
*****************************************************************

(almost 3!!)

All of our stuff arrives here tomorrow morning so we are going to be busy bees over here unpacking and trying to get settled in. I decided that I wasn't going to go crazy trying to do too much all at once...Tara's room is the #1 priority ...and then ...slowly, slowly...everything else will come together. With Tara's birthday coming up at the end of this month (she turns 3!!) I realise more and more that I need + want to slow down and get back to basics. Before I know it...these years will slip away. We are pretty excited planning her birthday...she wants everything Dora, a chocolate cake and pizza afterwards, thank you very much!!
I am taking a few days off all things computer... but will be back here early next week ...sometime. Have a great weekend!! xxx

a to z

2012-01-11T15:26:00.020-08:00

(Modigliani-one of my very fave artists!!)

Ever since I stumbled upon Susannah Conway's blog...oh! about a year ago...I was smitten! With her photographs, her writing...and most of all, her spirit that comes shining through. She's a person I can imagine being friends with, having cup of coffee and spilling out my whole life story...or being my next door neighbour. She just seems like that kinda' gal.

Anyhoo...when she wrote this post here called the "ABC of Important Things" I thought it would be fun to do one myself. So...here goes!

A is for art. I have always loved loved loved all things art. Half finished sketches, drawings, paintings...crafts, sculpture, photographs...I could go on and on and on. art fills my soul, touches me, heals me, mends all the broken parts + pieces, nourishes and gets me on my way. Always has...always will.

B is for books. Oh my!! I have always been a bookworm. Ever since I can remember. Books reach out to my heart +soul + mind ...through time and space. When I read The Prophet by Gibran...it is his very essence that speaks to me. What magic there is in books...our very SELVES unfolding...the reader and writer becoming one. I simply can't imagine life without books!
C is for coffee, community and creating. All great stuff!

(a cozy + fantastic coffee shop we discovered today)

D is for discoveries. Aren't they delicious?? Whether it's a new bookstore or a new friend...discoveries keep life exciting and us on our toes.
E is for excitement. It's what keeps our spirits young + alive.
F is for fun + friendship + family. Tara has taught me to loosen up...sometimes the wisest thing to do is to let my hair down and...simply have fun!! And what would life be without friends??? The false ones drop off (eventually) and the true ones? Gems! Family is simply this: people who love you, are there for you and accept you for who you are. Some people are lucky enough to be born into family...and others (like mySELF) have had to create it. Oh!! And 4 legged critters count as family too:)
G is for google. I love this guy Google...he knows everything:)
H is for hope. Without hope...the heart + soul wither away and die.
I is for the Internet. Can we even imagine life without it???

(combining pics of my art with writing in my journal)

J is for journals + journeying. To me..they are one and the same. I have journals that go waaaay back to my teen years. They hold all sorts of secrets, hopes + dreams...quotes that kept me going for years, letters and sketches. Really...they are a documentation of a life lived...a silent witness to all of me.
K is for kindness. As I go on in life...I realise just how important kindness is. To ourSELVES and each other. Not much else matters if we can't practice this basic principle. And sometimes..when it is soooo difficult to be kind to a person or situation...it's much better to say as little as possible...and go on your way.
L is for love. It may sound so cliche...but it's true...you have to love yourSELF before you can love anyone else. And above all else...isn't love what keeps us going??
M is for marriage + motherhood. I never thought either one were for me...until I did it and guess what??? I love both!
N is for nature. I love open skies and forests, thick black mud and trees. Birds + sunflowers, Mother Moon and wild ocean waves. All of it!!
O is for outside the box. Living, thinking + being outside the box!! For so so much of my life, I lived inside all sorts of boxes (of my own and others' making). No more!! The end.

(self portrait of hands-2011)

P is for possibility. and painting. and passion.
Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-from Alice in Wonderland.
One of my very fave. quotes.
Q is for quiet moments. I need them and totally appreciate them when they (rarely) come along.
R is for roses. I love all flowers but I swoon for roses.
S is for stories. We all have them and they are all important. The big ones + small ones, the ones yet to be told and experienced, the ones hidden so deep and locked away. The ones we share and the ones we don't. The stories we live out everyday, the ones we need to erase and write over...the ones we need to create for ourSELVES. At our core and essence...aren't we made up of stories??
T is for true + tribe. Oh!! And tea!!

(me + wide open skies, Colorado)

U is for Unravelling. Okay...I stole this one from Susannah...but...I have my own story that goes along with it too!! Ever since I can remember...I have been unravelling. I mean..in all sorts of ways. And of course, there are always all these negative connotations to unraveling as in: crazy, unstable, weird, flighty on and on. So when I stumbled upon Susannah's blog and found that she teaches (incredibly successful) e-courses called...well...Unravelling ..I was intrigued and hooked!! Here was someone who openly claimed her Unravelling for all the world to see and hey!! Guess what??? Coming unraveled is a good thing. No...a great thing. It's a deconstruction process that allows us to completely fall apart and...then slowly slowly rebuild ourSELVES. It equals growth + life + vulnerability + rebirth. And isn't that what the journey is all about??
V is for Venus. Susannah...I love your word...I really do. It's bold and vivacious. I thought about choosing it mySELF because ...I also love being a woman. But... I'm gonna' go with the Goddess Venus. She sits there, this goddess...fully bathed in love + beauty. Also...originally she was the Goddess of nature...raw and wild until she was cultivated to the Venus we now know. I like that rawness deep + hidden ...but still there.
W is for writing. It's something I want to do more of. I want to include more of my words ( = stories = heart = journeying = authenticity) in my art and right here on my blog. i have been writing for so so long...poetry, journals, short stories and, while some of it is really really bad, I love the craft and humanity of it. I love how you can write from the heart and connect to another heart. With words...you can elicit a tear or a laugh...even reach out across millions of miles and memories and touch someone. Amazing.
X is for kisses. xxx

(Fall leaves + happy feet, Ca. 2011)

Y is for yellow. I swear I didn't steal this one from Susannah!! Ever since I painted my studio yellow...I have become smitten with this color. Everything from pale iced yellows to deep sunflower + saffron yellow. Hello!! I want some yellow shoes!!
Z is for zzzzz's. Anytime I can catch some zzzz's ...it's a good thing:)
Okay...this was so much fun to do!! Maybe you want to try it out yourself??

a peek inside my new studio!!

2012-01-10T01:46:00.002-08:00

This is a peek into my new studio-I just love it to pieces already-even though it's completely empty!! It is bright and cheery...full of light pouring in through huge windows. The paint color I picked is Sunbeam by Glidden. At first I thought it might be too bright but it turned out just right...the walls look sun washed. There's nothing like yellow to calm and invigorate all at once. What do you think?? My vision for my studio is to create a place that truly reflects who I am...not too crowded...beautiful + functional. With tons and tons of art of course!!!

(Tara and I reading in bed)

I picked up a whole bunch of magazines...one of them is Where Women Create to get some ideas and inspiration for my studio. It's my very first time buying this mag and can I just say that I am hooked!! It is brimming with all sorts of ideas + inspiration + stories...quotes, tips and visuals. I am in love!! There is a heartwarming story about a sassy + heart-full woman named Irene Beadle...who just so happens to be over 90 years young...and is still creating up a storm in her nursing home!! Love this delicious woman and her story!! One of the things she said that really struck me is that she wonders what her life would have been like if she had known how to use computers and the Internet. It really made me ever so grateful that I can blog and be a part of the art community ...I mean, how awesome is it that we are able to connect like this?? Seriously inspired by her story!!

I am in total nesting/decorating/inspiration mode these days...it feels so good to create a home for my family full of our hearts + life. This is the home that Tara is going to grow up in so I want it to be extra special ...to hold all of our memories. She is going to celebrate her birthdays, going off to (real!!!) school one day and ...just all of her everyday moments right here within these walls. I have so many projects swirling around...can't wait to share them with you!!

P.S. we still have our Xmas tree up because Tara just loves looking at it. It will get put away eventually I suppose:)

my word for 2012

2012-01-08T18:35:00.002-08:00

(my journal entry from yesterday)

I wasn't going to pick any specific word for this year but then I started reading a few of my fave blogs and I felt deeply moved to choose a word of my own. I was especially inspired by Patty's post right here where she talked about the intention behind choosing a word and how it becomes a deeply ingrained part of our lives. So...looking through all of my most recent journal pages I keep on coming to this word right here...OPEN. It's a humble word and...maybe it doesn't have a lot of flash and pizazz but...it deeply deeply speaks to me right now. And I am listening. I wholehearted claim this word for 2012!!

For far too many years (okay...most of my life!!)...I was closed to life and to mySELF. Why?? So many reasons...thick and heavy; fears, insecurities, shame, blame. The deep feeling that I had nothing important to say or share. The fear of failure and humiliation + of not living up to my unrealistic expectations. That no-one would want to listen. That I was not enough. So there I was, sitting at the edge of my life, a spectator rather than an active participant or creator. I was simply letting life happen to me. All of that radically changed when I gave birth!!! Here was life full blown and in my face. No more shrinking away from any of it. I intuitively knew that my life would never be the same. I was deconstructed in a moment and the reconstruction has been going on ever since!

(too short bangs that need to grow out-I cut them myself!!)

But now I want to be open, open, open!!! To all of life's experiences...the whole shebang!!' To opportunity, risk + possibility. I want to open my heart even more than I ever thought possible. All of my old + locked away stories need to be set free; in my art + in my writing...in my life. I want to break wide open-wider than I ever thought possible so that I can hold more deeply this life of mine. So I can touch the possibility + grace that lies within me...that is there waiting for us in every sacred moment.

I want to open up my wings and...fly. So there you have it, dear friends, that's my word for 2012. Do you have one?

nesting + inspiration = bliss

2012-01-05T15:31:00.004-08:00

(yesterday at the park)
Since our household goods have not arrived yet, we have tons and tons of free time!! That means plenty of afternoon naps, trips to the park, hanging out at Barnes & Noble, going to bed early, reading and relaxing. The weather here these past few days have been surprisingly warm for this time of year...most of the snow has melted and there are just patches here and there. I am actually quite disappointed because I wanted to make a snowgirl with Tara!!

(big girl Tara climbing)
I simply can't believe how big my little girl has grown!! I mean...everyone tells you how fast the time all flies by but until you actually experience it...it's kind of hard (impossible) to grasp. She turns 3 at the end of this month and...I am just enjoying her as much as possible. While part of me is just so proud and excited to see her grow up...there's another part of me that wants to keep her my little baby girl forever. Do you know what I mean??

(a few days ago with daddy)
Okay!! Tara is a total daddy's girl...these two are inseparable. This pic was taken at our (newly discovered) fave. pizza parlor just minutes away from our house. They have a New York style pizza here that is to die for. Could be dangerous us living so close:)

(spinach and artichoke quiche...so yummy)

Lots and lots of eating out these days...back to basics when we get settled in but for now...I am just enjoying it:)

Reading through this book at Barnes and Noble today and totally loving it!! Very inspired by her philosophy of using what you have and creating a home that is warm + functional + clutter free. She talks about creating beauty with old, meaningful objects and re purposing existing items in new ways. Love!!

(Tara curled up with a book at Barnes and Noble today)
Tara is already a bookworm which makes me ever so happy and proud. She loves playing with the train set at the bookstore but inevitably...she will grab a book and curl up with it.

And this made my heart sing right here...to see the Winter Somerset Gallery all stacked up in the art/crafts section of the bookstore... with my name on the cover!!! Please forgive me for going on and on about it but...I still can't get over it!

update

2012-01-04T05:07:00.002-08:00

We are slowly trying to move into our new home...most of our stuff doesn't get here until next week so for now....we are living out of suitcases!!! We have a bed set up in our dining room (!!!) which Tara thinks is a blast:) I have so many projects swirling all around my brain...I can't stand it!!! My studio is cosy and spacious (and painted a warm sunflower yellow now) and has a huge huge huge closet that I want to convert into an office so I can keep my creating area vs biz area separate. I have been looking at so many great ideas and inspirations. There is this one here from Country Living that has swoon factor written all over it!! This one here from Apartment Therapy that seems more doable....love the yellows!! And all of these great ideas from Design Sponge. Hmmm!!! I am writing down all sorts of ideas in my notebook let me tell you.

This part of settling in is no fun....but in the meantime...we have all the important stuff....Tara's dolly, some books, tea, my journal, computer hookup (!!), camera + inspiration.

hello 43!!!!

2012-01-02T16:49:00.002-08:00

(this morning)

Hello 43!!! It's my birthday today and I claim and honor every single step that has brought me to this place of joy, acceptance and love. In between running to Home Depot a hundred times, measuring and unpacking and...trying to settle in...we had mini celebrations throughout the day. Tara knows it's my birthday but...she thinks it's her birthday too. Hilarious!! Tim surprised me with all sorts of things and I am simply... happy.

I feel great about turning 43...it feels more and more like I am becoming mySELF...the person I am meant to be. I feel strong and calm and centered. When I take some time to really look back at the road I have travelled, my stories of a full and complicated life...I am full of gratitude for this place I am in. And like Dr. Angelou says..." Wouldn't take nothing for my journey now."
** Dear friends...thank you all so so much for your birthday wishes...my inbox is overflowing with love and friendship and good juju!! From the bottom of my heart...I can't thank you enough. In the coming days...I will do my very best to get back to each and every one of you. xxx

2011 year review

2011-12-30T17:01:00.005-08:00

Man..like so many of you, I can't believe how fast this year has just zoomed by!! It all seems kind of incredible...doesn't it?? When I really try to think of a word that encapsulates the whole year...I think it would have to be ...brave. When I catch my breath and really think about it all...this year required me to step up to my higher self and pull all of the courage scattered within me and...be brave. There were events that scorched and laid bare so many of my fears. For Tim and I...some of our dreams were broken and left for us to piece back together...into new hopes, new dreams...different paths. Some of our deepest wishes did not come true and left us weary and angry, hurting and lost. Some events left us reeling with mistrust and disbelief... shocked and wounded. And through it all...through it all...there were gosamer threads of joy...explosions of happiness... beauty and hope. And love. Always always ...there was love. Because that's the way life tends to be...a mixed bag. And we had to be brave...through it all...we had to be brave. Brave to meet our pain and brave to meet our joy.

Okay...I am finding out that motherhood requires us to be brave!!! I was a bit slow to catch on...but I think that's one of the primary requirements!! I had to be brave enough to love so completely...so deeply...without expecting anything in return (okay...maybe a kiss or a cheeky grin!). Watching my little baby grow up has been a gift...unimaginable. She is a little girl full of heart + sass + love. And then...I thought I was going to get away without Tara going through the terrible twos. Uh...no such luck. Just two months before her 3rd birthday...it hit us all like a ton of bricks. I became desperate and tried reading and implementing all sorts of strategies...until I found this book. Reading through this I felt a huge sense of relief... a letting go. Her whole approach works for me and ...it just makes sense. I decided to simply relax and enjoy my baby girl. There is nothing to do. Zen parenting works! For now!!

A large part of this year was spent with Tim working away from us during the week. It was tough...not just on me but on Tara also; on our whole family unit. We made the most of our weekends but it was difficult. But this man right here is my rock...my soft place to fall. Tim went through some extremely difficult times and still...maintained his heart and integrity. Marriage opened up new doors within me this year...I fell in love all over again with my husband...in a completely different way.

Bravery showed up in all sorts of ways in my art as well. Over and over again...I started putting more and more of my stories, mySELF, my heart into my paintings. My style is evolving and I am excited about the direction of my art. It's amazing for me to see where my art goes . I want to write more, paint more, add more of my stories and heart...we'll see where it all goes:)

OMG!!! And as a wonderful early Xmas gift...I was published in the Somerset Studio Gallery Winter 2012. I am over the moon excited about it...and I still can't believe it (am I dreaming???). It still feels surreal to me. I am beyond thrilled + thankful + over the moon.

Throughout the year I met the most wonderful ladies...connections were made and hearts touched. It was the most amazing sense of community where we could chat about...well, everything!! Nothing was off limits and there was always respect and honesty. And laughter. Sometimes wine too!! Ladies...I am going to miss you soooooo much!! But we're gonna' see each other soon...I just know it!!

As I said...this year was full of surprises and ups and downs...I am just so thankful that it is all here....recorded on my blog. And oh!! yeah...we started the year in Ca. and ended up in Colorado. We are going to be here until Tara graduates from high school...at least, that's the plan!!

So...dear year 2011, thank you for all you given me, the experiences you have presented to me that allowed me to step more into mySELF. Thank you for all your wonder....the relationships that developed. As we go along our journey..I know that things are exactly as they are supposed to be...I am stepping into this new year being wide open to life. I have no words or intentions...just being open to what is. So goodbye 2011...and welcome YEAR 2012!!!
Happy New Year everyone!!! See you on the other side:)

everyday life

2011-12-28T23:04:00.004-08:00

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship. Everyday life has become my prayer."

- Sarah Ban Breathnach

With the New Year and a birthday just days away (I will be 43 in a minute)...I always tend to get very introspective. Thinking about the life I have, the person I am....how I want to evolve , what I want to shed (drama, negativity, stuff) on and on. As I go on in life...one of the things that really call to me is the neccesity of authenticity. Our time here is so limited, so fragile...our lives filled with intangibles. All we really have is this moment....this luscious moment of breath and light and life. Whether we are in pain or joy or...we are alive and that is a gift.

You know...I am not a religious person...never have been. I was born a Hindu but then-in my twenties-walked along the path of Buddhism. The dogma of religion has never appealed to me...has never fed my spirit and imagination.

But give me art and poetry, imagination and stories...luscious well-worn lives full of imperfections and contradictions. give me song and dance, pasta ...good chatting and laughter, friendships of heart + soul, warm fires, nature in all her fury and grandeur. give me tree I can hug, a bird I can watch. a kiss. chocolate. tiny hands holding mine. a good book. travel. photography. a full moon. give me kindness and authenticity. give me sadness...letting go...courage. give me ....a hug. tenderness. a walk on the beach. writing in my journal. simplicity. a hot cup of tea. give me yourSELF. shiny thoughts. give me love. a hearty laugh. connection. hearts carved deep by sorrow. give me quirky. zen. these are the things that fill me up.

sparkles and smiles

2011-12-27T14:47:00.001-08:00

Tara was all sparkles and smiles (as you can see!!) and, not surprisingly, most of the gifts from Santa were for her:) Our realtor had this huge teddy and adorable tree all decked out and waiting for us so Tara wouldn't be without one this year. Thanks so much dear sweet Illona-you are an angel!!

We had a relaxed Xmas day...opening up gifts in the morning....Tara's fave was her princess "big girl" bike. And then we had a laid back lunch. I meant to take lots of pics but once the wine and laughter and chatting and eating started...I forgot all about it!! I don't even have a single family pic. from this Xmas. Oh well...I have so many great memories, stories, laughter, precious moments all kept right here in my heart.

Well...we took it easy on Xmas day but have been working non-stop since then!! Trying to move into our new house (which is simply beautiful)...I picked out the paint color for my studio (it's a gorgeous sunflower yellow)...planning all sorts of projects for Tara's nursery. I am so excited and we are very very happy to be settling in. When I look out the windows....I see snow (lots and lots) and mountains and trees. Peaceful and beautiful. I have so much to share...I hope you all had a wonderful Xmas as well and I will be visiting blogs and getting back to e-mails soon...I promise. xxx

dear friends...

2011-12-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

Dear friends...we made it to Colorado safely!!! Jane...you were right-it's pretty cold over here!!! These past couple of months have been incredibly stressful...with all of the usual moving related yuckiness...and then some. But it's all over now. No more moving for us...we are going to stay here...forever!!

I am so looking forward to spending these next few days enjoying my family, drinking hot chocolate, playing in the snow, a wonderful Xmas dinner with friends, catching up on some reading, breathing.

Dear friends (known and unknown) I want to thank you all for stopping by my blog, reading my posts...leaving warm and thoughtful comments and most of all, for sharing your lives with me. Your friendship and support mean more to me than you will ever know...you all have become such a part of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Wishing you all a very merry Xmas...and a happy holiday season from us over here. xxx

dear Ca.

2011-12-22T08:34:00.001-08:00

Dear California: I can't believe that our year with you is over...it all went by in a flash.
I am going to miss...
* your gorgeous year-round amazing weather
* your lush and raw natural beauty that has kept me in awe this whole year
* being 15 mins. away from the Pacific Ocean
* the 101 things there are to do around here...zoos, beach, antique stores, mountains, on and on
* The amazing people that I have met ...the friendships I have made
* walking out my backdoor at any time and picking big fat roses from our garden

* all the art and theatre and culture...love!!
* the food!!! There are the most amazing world cuisine restaurants over here. Anything you want...Indian, Persian, Nigerian, Mexican, Italian etc etc...
And I will definitely not miss:
*driving on the interstates. Okay...can we just say ...craaaayzeeee!!!
* the abject racism toward Mexicans. Yes...I know we have to control the borders but...I have witnessed a lot of really ugly racism toward other human beings who pretty much want the same things we all do; to be treated with basic dignity and respect. Simply no excuse for it.
* the cost of living...it's through the roof over here.

(Tara waving goodbye to the ocean)

So...dear Ca. thank you for keeping my family safe this year, for showing us your magic and wonders...we will be back to visit!!
*********************************************************

(Pattie's Xmas party last Sunday)
* I had such a great time at Pattie's get-together...I just wished I could have stayed longer!! I am really going to miss these wonderful ladies...they are over the top wonderful. That's what I am really going to miss in Ca. the most...all the wonderful people I met.

things that make me happy

2011-12-20T09:00:00.001-08:00

(on a nature walk last week)

* a sea of yellow flowers...in winter!!
* Stash tea... especially the Chai Spice
* scarves...so glad I can pull out my winter woolens and bundle up
* snuggling with a good book

(new red shoes...love!!)

* morning walks

* spending time with my girl

* red shoes
* chattering, girlie, laughing get-togethers
* riding the carousel

* outdoor Xmas concerts...at night
* Saturday morning coffee at Panera Bread

(Tim's birthday a few days ago)

* still making time for celebrations in the middle of "having no time"
* O magazine in the mail
* patterned skirts
* hearing my Tara sing "Jingle Bells"
* getting at least 6 hours of sleep a night (a rare occurrence these days!!)
* experiencing Xmas through Tara's eyes
What are some things that make you happy...because...(I think)...the world needs more happy peeps:)
happier people = happier world = more hope for peace

shiny. bright. spirit.

2011-12-18T09:06:00.002-08:00

                                                      (Tara yesterday morning)
Here's a conversation Tara and I had a few days ago.
Me:   "Baby...what should we get Miss Mary?"
Tara:   "Uh...a picture of me!!"
Me:   "Okay, honey...that's a great idea. Can you think of another present too?"
Tara:   "Uhhh...a beehive!!"
Me:   "Oh!! Okaaay. Can we think of something else??"
Tara:   "Ummmmm...a pooper-scooper!!)
Me:   "Baby...how about some perfume??"
Tara:  " Okay mom. I need some perfume"
OMG!!!! Too too precious. I am saving all of these little moments, tucking them away into the deepest parts of my heart...and keeping them there forever, ever, ever, ever. ever. This is the stuff of life!!
shiny. bright. spirit.

Xmas spirit

2011-12-16T07:12:00.002-08:00

(Tara's Xmas ornament and stocking)

This is the Xmas ornament Tara picked out for herself this year. She passed up on all the glittery, glassy, feathery ones and picked this sturdy wooden birdhouse. Of course, our Xmas tree is packed away, so it's hanging on the key rack right now but...that's o.k. Since we are smack in the middle of moving I decided that I would have to coax out my Xmas spirit. I can't do all the obvious things like decorating our house and tree, baking or cooking but...Xmas is about so much more than that, isn't it? For most of my life, this hasn't been a big holiday or celebration for me but now that we have Tara, all of that has changed. I want her to experience the magic of the season and, even more so, to fully understand that Xmas is as much about giving as it is about receiving.

It's about offering up our hearts, our time, our friendship, our kindness. I really hope I can instill that in Tara. Oh! yeah...and it's a tiny bit about gifts too:) I know that during this season we can focus so much on all the things we need to do, things that are left undone and stress out. But this year I am making an effort to focus on each day, each joy-full lovely moment and be ever so thankful that I get to spend Xmas with my family. There's a part of me that's in total panic mode. And there's another part of me that's completely calm.

Happy holiday season...friends

opening up space

2011-12-14T05:00:00.001-08:00

(the last painting on my easel before everything got packed away)
Well...my entire studio is all packed away!! It was so difficult to put things away half completed when ideas are just jumping all around my brain and my fingers are just itching to paint...But...I decided that I am going to use this month or so off from painting to open up space to do other things. I have a delicious stack of books I have put aside to read. One of the things about balancing motherhood with, well, just about anything else (!!) is that I have to prioritise and things that I really love doing often get put on the back burner for...months and months!

(yesterday morning...writing at my makeshift desk)

I am going to have some time now to do lots of writing in my journal and blog...and think about the goals I want to work toward in the upcoming year (just around the corner I can't believe!!). I always get pretty self reflective around this time of year...how about you?? And I am hoping that the Xmas spirit will kind of sneak up on me one of these days. But we have been so busy and stressed...it just doesn't feel like Xmas this year! Not yet anyway.

(display stand at Barnes and Noble)
Hopefully I will also have some time to go on a few artist dates (library, coffee shops, fabric stores, art galleries...so many possibilities) Hopefully I can fully immerse mySELF in Tara's last month of the two's (can you believe she turns 3 next month!!). The other day she said to me "Mom, I need some privacy" and then went into her room and closed the door!! Excuse me??? Did I miss something here??
Sigh...so...life is super full over here...and despite all the hard work and stress...it's good.

breathe. just breathe.

2011-12-11T21:06:00.001-08:00

(self portrait -taken with timer)

We are right in the thick of things over here...too much to do and not enough time to do it in. A hundred and one things that have to line up and fall into place...Little sleep and long long hours. Chaos and boxes and short tempers all around. Lots of apologies and hugs every couple of hours (to make up for short tempers!!)...on and on. And this is what I am learning through it all...to let go. Just let go. Of expectations, of things I can't change and have no control over, of the way I want things to be. It's difficult and I'm not saying I'm there yet...but I am trying. To get back to this moment and ...breathe. Just breathe.

Tara's "pretty in pink" nursery (Ca.), tips/DIY

2011-12-10T05:59:00.002-08:00

I had been meaning to write this post forever ago...and since Tara's nursery is getting all packed away this weekend...I wanted to share these ideas/tips/DIY/pics with you. I tried to make make her nursery safe, pretty and functional...stimulating but not too much so. Her nursery in Virgina was more subdued...and babyish compared to this one. Tara was a bit more involved in the decorating of this room...she loves pink!! I got rid of the obviously baby stuff and added a few new things. I didn't paint on the walls or anything because we were just here for a year...so I added things like blankets, Tara's art and wall adhesives to bring some personality to the room. All of the furniture is mismatched; the rocking chair and crib were brand new when we bought it but the other pieces are vintage.

Light just pours in through the window...and this is the perfect spot to read, cuddle or hang out. I love those bright, cheery curtains (they are the same ones I had in her old nursery)...I picked them up at Wal-Mart and they transform the whole room in a second!! . I did that huge painting over her dresser...it reads "she has a heart-full of hope and a pocket-full of dreams"

This is a painting that Tara and I worked on...I framed it and it hangs above her rocking chair. The cheerful circles are wall adhesives that are fun and easy to remove.

A tea canister that I use as a vase. I love it that in Ca. I can just walk out the back door and pick a few roses anytime I want!! I always try to keep some fresh flowers in her room.

This was such simple project and is probably one of Tara's fave things in her nursery. I made this banner by cutting out triangles from patterned paper, punched holes on each side of the top end, threaded it with pretty ribbon and hung it up. It took me about 15. mins from start to finish! It really brightens up a room. So fun and playful.

I bought this hand embroidered piece of fabric from an antique store for a steal...it was actually a table runner. I then made it into a little pillow for Tara and ...she adores it!!

This here is a handmade bookend that I have had since I was ...about 20!! I saw it in an Indonesian art store back when I was in university and had to have it. I never imagined it would one day end up in my little girls' room...mommy and baby kitty...love!!

Another vintage find...an old bottle. I turned it into a magic "believe" bottle by adding some words and dressing it up a little. Tara and I have lots of fun making up all sorts of stories about hopes, dreams and what happens when we believe.

Since I am already cooking up ideas for Tara's nursery in our new home...I wanted to share few a tips I have learned along the way.
*Safety, safety, safety. This is always the number one priority above all else. I try to get down to Tara's height and see if there are things I have missed (cords, sharp edges, etc etc)
*I try to pick three main colors and go with it. In this nursery it is about 60% pink, 25% yellow and the rest is neutral (whites and creams). I want the room to be bright and cheerful but also soothing; not too loud and distracting.
* I create a few mood boards with different color, fabric and texture combinations to see what works. This makes things so much easier when you actually go to decorate. I also write down ideas and do sketches in my journal so I don't forget!
* When purchasing big ticket items, I go for quality and keep in mind what can grow with Tara.

* Decorating doesn't have to be expensive!! Antique/vintage finds, children's art work, using things you already have in new ways...all go a long way.
* the easiest and cheapest way to transform a room is with paint. But if that in not practical (say you are renting etc) then curtains, artwork and blankets/linens/cushions perk up a space in a minute!!
** I picked these books up at the library and they are amazing. love!!
-Kids' Rooms Decorating Ideas and Projects (Better Homes and Gardens)
-The New Smart Approach to Kids Rooms- Megan Connely
-Simple Solutions Kids' Spaces-Coleem Cahill
Thanks so much for looking!! And if you have any of your own ideas you would like to share...I would love to read them!

food for the soul

2011-12-08T22:03:00.004-08:00

Today was full of nourishment...food for the soul!! Right in the middle of all this packing and moving chaos ...today was a day to just ...enjoy! Tara, Mary and I headed out at 10 this morning ...we came across this charming British shop that had this old fashioned telephone booth outside. Isn't it gorgeous?? There were all sorts of goodies inside that I had completely forgotten about but were staples in my childhood-Birds Custard, Flake (chocolate), mince pies, Ovaltine, porridge, ginger beer. There was also a proper English tea laid out on a little table that Tara had so much fun playing with, I had to coax her away.

We stumbled upon this amazing Art Foundry. It was closed but had the most amazing drawings and paintings inside. Through the glass windows I could see pottery pieces, huge colored drawings and portraits...wall to wall art!!!

Mary found this beautiful Mediterranean cafe...the walls were painted a deep deep yellow, there were stained glass pieces catching the sunlight in the window and it smelled heavenly (coffee and pesto!!) . It was cozy and spacious all at once...with little European paintings hanging on the wall alongside exotic sculptures from India and Indonesia!! The food, need I say, was a little slice of heaven...we had a flatbread pizza (grilled chicken, pesto and artichoke) with a side of hummus.

I am really really going to miss Mary!! Throughout this year in Ca. I have been able to pop over next door anytime at all. She has doted on Tara, fed us her famous Italian cooking and listened to me through my joys and tears. We have laughed and talked and learned from each other. She is just so sweet and sassy and has a heart the size of Texas!! No kidding! She took me out to lunch today to celebrate my magazine article in Somerset. I told you she was sweet:) We are seriously going to miss her.

I tried out loose leaf tea...and it was simply divine!! The perfect cup of tea...I am hooked! For real.

Went to a fabric store and drooled over all the spools of thread, yarn, bolts of luscious cloth. As soon as we get settled I am going to buy a sewing machine...I have tons and tons of projects I want to do. I am writing them all down in my journal...so excited.

Finished off the evening with some reading. Ever since I was about 16 or 17 years old, I have read Sanskrit and Buddhist philosophy. I mean the really difficult texts that you need 4 Ph. D.'s to understand!! I should say I tried to read them because I could never really grasp their meaning. I knew there was wisdom in those pages...but I wasn't able to understand any of it. It was so esoteric and difficult to make sense of..."it is but it isn't" and so on. What the blazes did it all mean?? Anyways...I love how Pema Chodron minces it all down in easy to understand language that I can really grasp. She distills all of that wisdom and mixes it in with her no nonsense approach. Loving this book!

"comfortable with uncertainty"

2011-12-07T22:55:00.002-08:00

(on my easel right now)
Things are moving along so fast over here for us...we are loading up our first POD this weekend. So what that means is packing, packing and more packing!!! Everything is an absolute mess...with boxes everywhere. I have been painting these last few nights...because next week my studio gets packed up:( Just getting into my studio at night, after Tara goes to sleep, is such a breath of fresh air...grounding me and sustaining me right now. We have bought a home...and while I am excited about that part of it...this is that in-between phase of complete uncertainty. Are we going to have good neighbors, are we going to make friends and become part of a community??? Is Tara going to be happy in our new home? Plus...I am going to miss all the people I have met here in Ca. this past year. Tara has awesome teachers and loves her classes. This has become her home for the past year; she is already upset about having to move. So...while there is so much excitement about getting settled...there is also a lot of trepidation; some fear and uncertainty. It seems fitting, then, that the book I am reading right now is called "Comfortable with Uncertainty" !!!! by Pema Chodron. Just started it...I bought it because of a recommendation from Jane. The Universe has impeccable timing and, it seems, quite a sense of humor:)
***N.B. My Etsy shop is closed and will re-open soon.

random this and that

2011-12-06T08:37:00.006-08:00

(winter on the Ca. coast-a few weekends ago)

I can't believe that our year in California is almost at a close...it seems like we just got here!! I am wondering where all the time went to, why I didn't get together with the girls (Patty, Jane and Pat H. ) more often and how much Tara has grown. Is it just me or is it that as we get older time just flies by at lighting speed?? I also realise how much I have grown through blogging. These honest and deep connections that I have made with so many of you has sustained, nourished and supported me through some very difficult times. Thank you!! You know...before I started my blog about 2 years ago, I was a new mom coping with a lot of things. I was isolated, trying to cope with being a brand new mamma and being bombarded with a lot of negativity that left me angry and spiraling into a depression. But once I took a leap of faith and plunged into this brand new world of the blogging community...my life literally changed!! I started to get a different perspective, become stronger and more mySELF. Now...with these few weeks ahead of me that are filled with crazy packing, moving etc...my blog has become that much more important to me...a lifeline with connections, support and therapy...uh...I mean my creative outlet:)

Oh! and I came across this delicious poem last week...I have been thinking about it ever since. I wrote it down in my journal and love it to pieces.

"Moon marked and touched by sun

my magic is unwritten

but when the sea turns back

it will leave my shape behind "

-from A Woman Speaks by Audre Lorde

I love Audre Lorde...her warrior/poet spirit touches me to my core. When she wrote her Cancer Journals she really worried that she wouldn't have time to complete her work...that she had left so much unwritten.

It inspires me to continue doing my work now while I am able. Just some random thoughts here and there. I hope you all have a great day!!

some thoughts on trusting our heart, being published and working through our fears

2011-12-04T11:53:00.004-08:00

(following her true-prints available soon)

"Our work is to show we have been breathed upon - to show it, give it out, sing it out, to live out in the topside world what we have received through our sudden knowings, from body, from dreams and journeys of all sorts." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

(yesterday afternoon)

When I went to the mailbox yesterday...I found this complimentary copy of the Somerset Gallery issue...thank you Somerset!! I was shocked to discover that my name is on the cover!!! Thank you again Somerset!! But...I am getting ahead of myself...let me tell you the full story. For months and months I agonized and procrastinated and then...agonised some more about submitting some of my artwork to Stampington. All my fears, insecurities and inadequacies came knocking loud and clear...do you know what I mean?? Who do you think you are, your work isn't good enough, bold enough, different enough, too different on and on. Uh...it wasn't pretty!! But one day...earlier on this year...I sat down, took a deep breath, gathered up every ounce of courage I had and sent off a box. Then I agonised some more!! But as the weeks wore on I decided to surrender...and hope.

(yesterday afternoon- reading my article)

But...let me go back in time even more. When I was a very young teen (about 13 or 14 years old) I had so many many dreams. Writing, painting, photography, drawing, sewing...on and on. But my dreams had no air to breathe or wings to fly. I couldn't lay down any foundation beneath them because I was too busy putting one foot in front of another....just trying to survive. My life at home was violent; full of pain and abuse. My life at school was marred by racism and trying to adjust to a very foreign way of life in Canada. I was forced to live in two very different worlds; and here I stood, always at the edge of both. A stranger to mySELF. All of this was a heavy burden for such a young heart to carry.

So...yesterday afternoon as I sat there on my couch, reading my article in Somerset...I was in awe and gratitude at the depth and breadth of my journey. I take none of this for granted...here is my soul spilled out onto these canvases and pages... but it all started a very long time ago when I decided to trust mySELF and stand in my truth. None of it has been easy, mind you, but it has been necessary. The tears and heartache, the surrendering to my fears...the shame and truthtelling....have all made way for this space right here; where I can simply be who I am.

(sooooooo excited!!)
And my sweet baby girl Tara was soooo excited to see mommy's art in a magazine. She said to me "you did such a good job Mommy. I'm going to give you a Dora sticker." :) My heart just melted all over the place. It all feels a bit surreal to see my art in one of my favorite magazines...but I am just soaking it all in. Thank to each and every one of you for your kindness and support. It means more to me than you will ever know. xxx

P.S. And a big huge thanks to Kelly Rae Roberts' Flying Lessons. I took her e-course last year and it totally rocked!! It was just the right amount of sass, kick in the pants and practical knowledge that I needed to get me going. I totally recommend this class...thank you Kelly Rae!!

art news...joy spilling over

2011-12-01T22:36:00.002-08:00

(Somerset Studio Gallery Winter 2012 )
My heart feels full and wide and deep with possibility and joy tonight. I'm published in the Winter 2012 Somerset Gallery...and I am full of happiness. Thank you Christine Olivarez, Jennifer Jackson Taylor and all the folks at Somerset...thank you, thank you, thank you ...for giving me a chance. I haven't been able to get my hands on a copy yet...but I am going to try every single Barnes and Noble this weekend!

When I think of how hard I have had to work-all of my life- simply to believe in mySELF, it makes me tearful and joyful all at once. There was a time when I couldn't claim my stories, my voice or my art. There was a time when I couldn't even claim my psychic space...my very essence. But every tiny step of courage, bravery and truth-telling has led me to this very place. And for that...I am thankful...joy spilling over.

the ordinary

2011-11-29T18:21:00.004-08:00

(today- playing in Tara's leaf pile)
"Our lives are at once ordinary and mythical. we live and die, age beautifully or full of wrinkles. We wake in the morning , buy yellow cheese, and hope we have enough money to pay for it. At the same instant we have these magnificent hearts that pump through all sorrow and all winters we are alive on the earth." -Natalie Goldberg

Lately I have been feeling very introspective. I don't know if it's because the end of the year is nearing or...if it's because I have a birthday coming up (43 is just around the corner) or...because we are smack in the middle of another move. But-whatever the reason-I find myself assessing what I really want, the person I want to become and taking stock of my life. Not the surface things...but the deep down under my skin kind of things. I have been writing pages and pages in my journal and when I really distill the essence of what I want, it is this: no matter what I am doing...I want to see the sacred in the ordinary. I want to see the pure magic in a pile of golden leaves, little toes painted blue and...sunlight. It is the everyday moments that comprise the mythical...

I want to live that. Not some day...but right now.

finally!!!

2011-11-27T22:23:00.001-08:00

In the past few weeks I have finally started using the new camera that Tim bought me for Mother's Day..uh, back in May!!! I can't tell you just how much I love it to pieces, how it takes the most amazing pics and is an absolute dream. All this time, I had been using my point and shoot, which I love and has served me very well. But this camera is completely over the top!! I am in love!!

Of course I am still learning about the gazillion things it can do...still trying to learn about all the different setting and lenses and...already, though, I notice the different quality of image it is able to capture. But I think the pictures speak for themselves???

This is an inspiration line on one of my studio walls. All I did was tie a piece of hemp twine from two nails...hang some photos and art with clothespins and...I can change them out whenever I want.

With this photo of the pencils I played around with the color filters using photo software...so much fun stuff to try out!!!

I took a series of portraits with Tara in her dance tutu and...I absolutely love the way they turned out. I have already ordered a few huge photos to get framed. I can't believe how fast my little girl has grown.

*I had such a laid back weekend...full of resting up, sleeping, family time, reading and playing with my camera. It's going to be the last lazy weekend for us over here because starting this week things are going to be super super busy with moving stuff.

giving thanks

2011-11-25T07:46:00.003-08:00

giving thanks for
* red dresses and impish grins
* not having to cook and clean up for Thanksgiving lunch
*sleep
*kindred spirits
*impossible dreams
*bundling up weather
*an unexpected e-mail
* possibility
*all of you dear souls in this very blogging community
*exciting and wonderful news
*love
how about you dear friends...what are some things you are giving thanks for these days?

practicing gratitude

2011-11-22T22:15:00.002-08:00

"This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are."
-Pema Chodron
I am thankful for so many many things it would be so difficult to name them all. As I go along in life, I realise the importance of practicing and cultivating gratitude...for everything. Of course all the major things like good health, family and friends. But...also the things I normally take for granted. Like fresh air, clean water, an amazing poem, sunlight dancing on water, a perfect cup of tea. But I am finding-more and more-that it is equally important to be grateful for what, in the past, I have perceived as negatives. You know...plans that have gone awry, betrayals, disagreements, things we have worked so hard for that just fell through... smallness of heart (either mine or anothers'). I realise that all of these things, as well, are our teachers and bear gifts for us. It's difficult, I know, when you are smack in the middle of pain and heartache, to go "gee, what are the gifts I can take from this experience??" But those gifts are there...precious and waiting...and it's the practicing of gratitude that allows us to receive them. I promise.
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I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love and warmth...family and friends and a multitude of blessings. We are all down with the flu over here but still counting our many, many blessings. I am taking a mini blog break these next few days...will be back here soon!! xxx

soul medicine

2011-11-20T17:41:00.004-08:00

(handmade life, archival prints available here!!)

I'm not quite sure what it is about creativity that reaches down deep into our souls and mends, heals, makes alive, nourishes and holds us. But...there is absolutely no doubt that creativity is soul medicine of the very best kind. I can say that- for me-when I lived a life devoid of creativity, I was just surviving and getting through the day (or the moment, minute, hour). But once I started living a creative live...I started (little by little) to heal and bloom. To pull something from our soul and bring it out into the world is the magical alchemy that transform our pain and brokenness into treasures. If we can allow the suffering, bitterness and disappointments in our hearts to simmer, soften and fall apart, we can use it as hubris for our creativity. We can then heal ourselves...and others.

When we are immersed in our creative acts (painting, gardening, writing, singing)...our minds are still; meditating. And it's our hearts and souls that are flowing through our hands and eyes and brains right into the world. It's our stories that we are weaving into our work. When we are engaged in creativity we become like children again...full of curiosity and excitement and squealing and gushing over things like paper, pens, paints, a word, sunlight...We get back to what Buddhists call beginners mind. And it is here that the soul just shines with radiance and grace. It is in this place that our souls can sing. It is here -in our creative hearts-that we can be ourSELVES...no more and no less. It requires courage...you know...to allow our souls to be truly seen.

Creativity is really a prayer...a way for us to become a part of the Universe; the ultimate creator. Whether it's digging our hands in moist black soil, looking through a camera lens, scrapbooking, sewing, carving wood, painting, writing...whatever creative activities we do...it's an act of allowing our souls to shine through.It is a way for us to reach across time and space, across all sorts of divides and differences...to just be. It is a balm that energises and keeps us alive...connected to the world around us which is-in essence-a creative world. Once we validate and give voice to all the suffering we have gone through...we heal, we create, we live from a place of authenticity and strength.

It's the best soul medicine I know.
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**Some great news I wanted to share with you!! I am currently featured in Beth Nichols "Do What You Love" series...you can read my article here !! It took a little (okay...a lot!!) of courage to open up so much and I was quite scared but...that's what's it all about; stepping outside of our fears and boxes. I am so honored to be in the company of so many amazing women following their dreams and doing what they love.
Also...have you seen the gorgeous spread of Beth Nichols' retreat in the premier issue of Mingle?? It is stunning!!

some of what's been going on around here

2011-11-18T09:15:00.003-08:00

Dear friends...let me tell you about some of what has been going on around here behind the scenes. Earlier on this year (I can't quite remember when), Tim and I both decided that we did not want to make San Diego our home forever. It's simply gorgeous here...yes!! With the ocean and temperate weather and...there's no arguing with all of that. But...we wanted somewhere smaller and quieter (not to mention less expensive!!) to raise Tara. So...we decided that we were going to enjoy Ca. as much as possible but plan on living elsewhere at years end.

Well...we had been researching homes and schools and communities for months and months. We thought we had covered every possible angle...but when we went out to look at homes about a month ago we discovered some major environmental issues with the place we had been looking at!!! I mean...serious ones.

Entire communities built around Eiffel Tower power lines and more!!! I would never of conceived of such a thing. And the most heartbreaking thing? A brand new elementary school that sits adjacent to a field of power lines...less than a mile away!!! So...we have had to change our plans and start from scratch!!!

Now we are researching an entirely different place, working like crazy, looking at a gazillion homes, flying back and forth...Oh!!! And 2 bouts of the flu thrown in too:(

So that's what's been going on over here. I have blogs to visit, e-mails to get to, art commitments waiting for me...eeek!! Okay...Take a deep breath...it's all going to work out exactly the way it's supposed to.

living true

2011-11-16T16:43:00.001-08:00

(living true, archival prints available here!!)

When I was in my twenties, I didn't even think about what living authentically was! Did you? I was too busy getting by; trying to find my way...trying to find mySELF. To be quite honest, I was just trying to heal and make sense of the world and... life. I had such deep pockets of pain locked away in my heart...I was simply unable to live from a place of joy and truth. So what inevitably happened was that I was living a life based on my past; based on other people's definition of me. There was no direction or clarity of purpose...just floating around in a sea of unhappiness.

And then my thirties rolled around and I found mySELF in quite the opposite direction. I analysed everything to death!!! I thought through choices and outcomes and and and...on and on. UGH!! It was so draining let me tell you! Being stuck in righteousness is not a pretty place to be!! It really all came down to me not trusting mySELF. However, in retrospect, all important steps on my journey.

Now...living authentically is bare bones simple. It all comes down to making the best choice in the moment. Not thinking about things as much as listening to my heart and intuition. I mean...of course thinking things through (!!!) but also-equally- listening to my deepest self. It all comes down to leading the very best life I can...in being the best person (wife, mamma, artist, friend...) I can be. It comes from not wanting another person's journey in any way, shape or form but simply accepting my very own path. It means-in the very deepest sense-honouring my stories and mySELF. What does "living true" mean to you?
P.S. These are some of the stories behind my new painting...living true

inspiration nook

2011-11-14T21:33:00.001-08:00

This is my little inspiration nook; I have wanted to share this space with you for such a long time but never got around to it. There is a ledge that sits right behind our front door that I have converted into my little "go to for inspiration" nook. There are books, journals, a sketchbook, photos, cards...There's the Owl Woman totem that I adore and behind her sits one of Tara's paintings I matted and framed.

Here is a sweet Autumn card from dear Jane that I absolutely love...the colors just sing. A poem from Pablo Neruda "autumn greets each of us at the door/with fiery light/saying/this is love"...thanks Jane. And a cup of pens + markers because I can never seem to find them when I need them:)

Gorgeous roses and a beautiful bird card. Not only does this little space make me ever so happy, it's practical too. Whenever I have an idea for a painting, blog post, to-do list etc...I just go over and write it down. When Tara takes her afternoon nap or is playing in her kitchen...I can grab a book for a short while. I think it's so important to make little spaces throughout our homes (+ lives) for creativity, don't you?

climb

2011-11-13T17:12:00.006-08:00

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost/but climb."

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Things have been ever so hectic and exhausting over here lately and, despite my best intentions, I have been feeling overwhelmed and slightly anxious. So when I found this inspiring quote in the current O mag ...I felt as if it was talking directly to me. A message from the Universe to keep on keepin' on. A slight nudge + whisper to keep on climbing; sometimes that's all we need...right??

Oh! and also...here's some more big huge inspiration right here that I want to share:

* as soon as I get some time, I absolutely want to take this class and this one over here

*I just love and adore these prints

*coloring with Tara-poo = inspiring + sooooo relaxing!!!

* I have been reading this book because about month ago I decided I was going to make a cloth doll for Tara. I don't know how I came about the idea because I really can't sew worth a bean!! But there are some really simple patterns and so many creative and personal touches I can add. I really want Tara to have handmade things that she can use for her children one day. Of course it's still in the conceptual stages and I probably won't even get around to making it until next year!!

*Oprah's Lifeclass-I tape the shows and watch them when I can. Full of aha moments and down to earth great advice. LOVE!!

in honor and rememberance

2011-11-10T21:09:00.003-08:00

Before I met Tim, I never really thought about the men and women who fight to serve and protect us; our basic rights and freedoms. I had never known anyone who was in the military and , being Canadian, I had the luxury of living in a very safe and equitable country. Sure...we occasionally complained about the cold weather and the shenanigans of the gov't and...but...I took all of my freedoms for granted. And then 9/11 happened. In a moment the world shrank...became very dangerous and nonsensical. But still...we were Canadians and somewhat removed from it. Of course I was aware of multiple wars and world events but ...I was largely untouched; I had the luxury of idealism. Then...years later, I met Tim.

(Tim and I visiting his father's grave-Arlington National Cemetery)

Shortly after we married Tim deployed to a war zone...and my heart went with him. All of a sudden...I was thrown into this whole other world. Should I watch the news or should I not? I became slightly frantic. Ideologically, I did not support the war but...I supported my husband. A contradiction I know but I strongly believed in both. It was a difficult time ...I just wanted my husband to come home safely. As a career Marine he has seen and experienced things I can never know. Yes, he has his arms and legs but...the scars of war are there...deep and mostly hidden. He is my husband and...I know. Tim, like all these men and women who give up so much of themSELVES, is a hero...although he would be the last one to acknowledge it. I could list all of the qualities that I fell in love with but...it can't adequately describe his character and heart.

This post is in honor of my husband...and all those who serve. Let us remember...those who come home and those who don't.
** I am well aware that my last post was about Zen and this one is about soldiers and war. But this is my life...this is my family and we try to balance out our differences as best we can and learn from each other...always keeping sight of what is truly important.

everyday Zen

2011-11-08T18:54:00.007-08:00

(yesterday morning at the park)

“This is the Zen approach: nothing is there to be done. There is nothing to do. One has just to be."

-Osho

(afternoon nesting with books + a cup of tea)

I keep on saying to myself that I will practice slowing down once things have slowed down...sigh. But what I really need to do is to slow down right now!! Easier said than done. I sometimes find myself wishing for this imaginary time and place where ...things are quiet, static...then I can practice mindfulness, meditate, live in the moment instead of ...rushing frantically from place to place, researching homes and schools and on and on. I know better...I really do:)

(working in my studio last night)

So...I have been making a very conscious effort to slow down now...at a time when I feel completely frantic and stressed. Plans that we have been working on for months and months have fell through and...changed. It's not a bad thing...just a change. Which equals stress!! So I figure that now is the perfect time to practice mindfulness...not when I have no stress and am up on a mountaintop somewhere:) Right???

whirlwind!!!

2011-11-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

Things are a whirlwind over here...it seems like life is moving at a frantic pace and there is never enough time in the day! Weeks fly by...in a moment! I really try to make time to simply slow down...to breathe and sit still for even 10 mins. a day...but time just gets way from me!! I am sure you all know exactly what I mean. One of my goals is to really carve out a time and space to ...just be.

Until then...I am dancing furiously trying to get so much done. There are big huge changes in the air over here...and I can't wait to share some of it with you all. xxx

It's November?? + ramblings + dreams

2011-11-04T09:40:00.003-07:00

It's November?? I can't believe how fast this year has just zoomed by!! As I sit here-typing this post up-I don't have a clear idea of what I want to say exactly...just that I want to write. Since I have been reading so much...I am feeling a deeper and deeper need to write more! Funny how that happens! How one thing leads to another. That's why it's so important to follow these little nudges + whispers that we hear...you know, the ones that say...pick up that poetry book or sign up for that class. Because we never know where that path may lead to, what inspirations it may ignite. For instance, I am currently reading Amy Tan's memoirs called The Opposite of Fate. In it she shares how before the age of say, 35, she didn't even know that she could write books!!! I mean...the Amy Tan!!! It was humbling to hear that, don't you think? I think so many of us limit ourselves so much...thinking we can't do that (say...write poetry) . Or we can only do that (say, take photos)!! And we may block off a whole world of gifts and talents...opportunities...waiting to be heard. Just waiting for us to listen to them. I also think that we have to keep our dreams in safe places when they are fragile and tender. They need to be able to grow and blossom in fertile ground; we need to protect and nurture them. Okay...maybe I'm rambling on a bit now!!!

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Speaking of how time flies...I recently came across this pic. of Tara poo when she was just 10 months old..right around this time of year. I can't believe that she was ever this tiny!!

Oh! and I threw my back out on Wed. morning!! It all started out innocently enough. I was sweeping the kitchen floor and I bent down to get the dustpan...and there you go!! I don't know if I just twisted the wrong way or what. Sigh. Well, it's raining over here. Tim's home and we are going to spend all day resting + snuggling + reading + playing with Tara. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend too!!

back to routines

2011-11-02T17:22:00.005-07:00

(seen at a Starbucks)

When I was in my twenties I was a gypsy!! Just the very thought of domesticity was enough to make me queasy and break out in hives. But if you mentioned joining the Hare Krishnas, living in a Himalayan caravan or getting lost in a remote Nepali village...I was all for it!! I wasn't that sensible, got-it-all-together kinda' girl I was more that quirky, dancing-on-the-tables kinda' girl. ...I'm sure you get the picture!

Boy!! how things have changed!! Now...in my forties and being a mom...I crave domesticity!! Even a short trip like the one we just took...throws things out of whack! Tara gets off her routine and it's difficult on her. I love being back home and having my own space...to read, have a cup of tea and curl up with a good book, go into my studio and piddle around...I love getting back to our routines and rituals. I think it may just be part of growing and evolving as a person. And maybe 20 years from now...I will want to go off and live in a Buddhist monastery somewhere. Who can know these things? I know some people who are the reverse of me. They get married and start a family really early in life and then...later on, they may crave being barefoot and fancy free (uh...otherwise known as a midlife crisis). How about you?? What do you think? Tell me about it.

**thank you so much for all of your wonderfully kind comments regarding my last post. You are so sweet:)

exciting news!!!

2011-11-01T18:56:00.005-07:00

(the current issue of Somerset Studio-that's my painting...Storyteller!!!)

I have some super super exciting news I would love to share with you all! I am going to have an article I wrote published in the Winter Issue of Somerset Studio Gallery!!! It comes out December 1st...and I am so excited I can't stand it!!! and...the good folks over at Stampington decided to use my painting Storyteller in this issue of Somerset Studio to advertise for the Gallery edition!!! I am thrilled to pieces!!

(reading the new Somerset Studio)

Since I have been sick with the flu, after Tara goes to sleep, I have been snuggling under the blanket reading all sorts of juicy stuff.
*This book by Amy Tan ...I picked it up at the library sale. It is brilliant and funny and inspiring. Not a work of fiction but actually a whole collection of essays based on her real life...raw and naked. I have always loved her stories...my first book of hers was not the Joy Luck Club but...A Hundred Secret Senses and I fell in love!! She is a storyteller that weaves magic with words + heart + soul + memory. Love!!
* This brilliant book over here
*And of course the new Somerset Studio that is chock full of inspiration. The artist profiled this edition is Mary Beth Shaw (love her juicy colors), an art journaling spread and...a journal using tea leaf labels (sooooo fun!!)

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And of course I just had to include a few Halloween pics!! This is my darling Princess Tara-all grown up it seems...

With our neighbour "Miss Mary" who absolutely spoils little Tara...they feed the birds, color together and work in her garden.We got so lucky with her being right next door!

Our jack-o-lantern this year...he does look a bit of a maniac, don't you think ?
*P.S. Tim and I are still sick but Tara, thank goodness, has bounced right back:) I have a horrible bronchial cold . Feeling achy and yucky all over...not too sleepy but when I cough, it feels as if there is an evil little monster with a hammer inside my chest...just pounding away!! No fun! I will stop by your blogs soon though, okay??!!

back home!!

2011-10-31T04:59:00.002-07:00

Just got back home last night after a hectic weekend in Co. Tara was such an amazing traveller. I took no pictures of our trip because we all came down with the flu:( Glad to be back home...getting back to routines and such. Not much resting up though...we are going to a Halloween party and still have to carve our pumpkins!!! Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!

new directions...

2011-10-27T19:35:00.003-07:00

I am heading in new directions over here. You know...that place of feeling an internal shift even though everything seems the same on the outside? I mean...nothing is changing but...everything is!!! That strange and exciting place of possibility and growth. There's no razzle-dazzle, big hoopla going on...just the quiet and humble plodding and weaving and stitching a new path. So...what has facilitated this journey in new directions? Well, I don't think I can point to one specific thing...it's probably just because I am open to it. I am listening to my life speak to me...listening to my deep inner voice. It feels good!

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We are flying out to Colorado for the weekend...leaving early tomorrow morning. It's going to be kinda' strange...I just know it. Tara was born there and then we moved when she was just 3 months old. So being back is going to bring all sorts of memories...my pregnancy and birthing and magic and miracles. I am excited but a little (okay...a lot!!)stressed too. And I really shouldn't even be on the computer right now with a gazillion things to do...and none of them done!!! Eeeek!!

things around here...

2011-10-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

We are getting ready for everything Halloween...how about you?? I grew up in South Africa so I never celebrated it growing up. In fact, I had never even heard about it until we moved to Canada; I was about 12 at the time!!! So now...with Tara...it's a pretty big deal! The only thing I hate about Halloween??? All the candy!! Seriously...why is everyone passing candy out like it's water??? And to toddlers? Ugh!! With childhood diabetes and obesity at an all time high, I can't possibly see why adults push candy on kids. I have very strong feelings about this...I had a grandmother who was diabetic and I saw, firsthand, the ravaging effects of diabetes. Let me tell you...it's not pretty. Tell me what you think about this...okay?

I am managing to squeeze in some painting hours...after Tara goes to bed at 8:30...I relax for half hour or so and then get into my studio. I am currently listening to the Dangerous Old Woman series on audio tape and, I swear, that's my secret to having the energy to paint after a long day keeping up with Tara. Its' just so interesting and ...inspiring...the hours zip right by!

Tara is enrolled in 3 different classes right now...and she loves them all! They are Mommy and Me classes...so I get to see her learn and grow and interact with other kids. This is her latest art creation-a paper bag pumpkin! Our home is overflowing with all her art work...it's absolutely everywhere! Love!!

Tim and Tara are really developing such a close relationship...it warms my heart to see it unfold. I breastfed her until she was over a year old, so it was only after that time that they really started bonding. Nothing makes me happier than seeing the two of them together...walking on the beach, hanging out, watching the Lion King...on and on. These moments are so precious to us..fleeting and magical...this is the stuff of life!

And this is my little Tara-poo...growing up so fast I can hardly believe it! Amidst all the toddler hoopla, time-outs and tantrums..all the frustrations and looooong days and tiredness...I don't take any of this for granted. All too soon...they are going to be over. I was recently reading an article on Steve Jobs...and towards the end of his life...the only thing he worried about...was his family; his wife and kids. He reportedly said that he "just wanted to see them graduate from high school". That really resonated with me...brought tears to my eyes. as older parents...Tim and I are very aware of the fleeting quality of life...and my greatest hope is to see Tara to adulthood...to be there for her as much as possible.
*Well, dear friends...that's some of what's going on around here. How about you? I hope that-on the other end of the computer screen-life finds you well...and full of heart.

learning new ways

2011-10-23T21:26:00.001-07:00

I was feeling very vulnerable writing this post last week; I had been meaning to for a while but kept on putting it off. For most of my life, I had so many walls around me. Walls around my heart and spirit...sometimes even around my mind. It was a protective measure, a survival skill that no longer was needed but one that I held on to for dear life. All of that changed after Tara was born. As soon as I laid eyes on her...something deep inside me was born; the person I was meant to be all along. She birthed me as much as I birthed her. Maybe even more. All of my walls slowly came crumbling down. Just like that...a lifetime of defenses crumbled to dust. Here I stood, very naked and vulnerable and half scared to death. But...let me tell you a secret. I am learning new ways and it feels so damn good!! It feels holy and true and right and pure to be wide open like the sky. As generous as a tree...as naked and vulnerable as a newborn baby. I am learning new ways...and things are exactly as it is meant to be.

"untie the strong woman"

2011-10-22T23:04:00.001-07:00

I just received my copy of Untie the Strong Woman by Dr. Estes...and I can't give a review of the book because I'm just into the first chapters...but I can say this. It's a combination of storytelling and teaching, heart and soul, life lessons from one who has been through the fire, lived, thrived and is is willing to share her experiences. It is far less cerebral than Women who Run with the Wolves and includes quite a bit of Dr. Estes' personal life details. She shares some of her own deeply painful struggles...having difficulties learning, her struggles through school, being a young mother on welfare. She also speaks a bit about the ridicule she faced from academia for the importance she placed on oral storytelling traditions and how she persevered through it all. It's been well over 20 years since she has published a book-although she's always writing and teaching-and I am completely blown away. This book-in essence-is about the Holy Mother, the sacred feminine in all of us. I didn't quite know what to expect when I ordered the book but I know that anything Dr. Estes writes, teaches, talks about...is crazy brilliant. If I were ever in her physical presence-all I would want to do is sit at her feet and listen to her. I love your Dr. E.!!!! Love you!!!!

honouring our SELF (esteem)

2011-10-20T23:19:00.005-07:00

Dear friends...let me share this very personal story with you. It's my story...but maybe you see yourSELVES in parts of it too because it is a very human story. By the time I was 20, I had absolutely no self esteem at all. My very abusive childhood has left me shattered and shaken in ways I can't even describe. So here I was...very broken on the inside but wearing a mask to cover it up...pretending that I was okay when I very clearly was not. I was still in survival mode...just getting through each day. Of course my life didn't completely stop...I had relationships, educated myself, traveled etc etc but on the inside, I was falling apart. Completely. In retrospect, it was a gift! I had to fall apart so I could put mySELF back together...the way I wanted to. Of course...the process would take about 20+ years...but hey!! ...these things take time:)

Here are a few things I have learned along the way about self esteem. These are not things I have read in books (although I certainly have read my fair share!!) but..these insights come from having being in the trenches. Those long and difficult days, months, years...when I really had to dig deep and honor mySELF. Because at the end of the day, that's what self esteem is all about...it's about honouring our deepest SELVES...the soul and spirit we are.

* Let go of shame. For far too long I was immersed in shame. Shame that wasn't mine to carry and hold. Shame that was binding and suffocating. Shame that kept me locked in rooms I did not want to be in. Once I started telling my story truthfully...the shame slowly dissipated. This deep sense of unworthiness had eroded my very SELF. What I now realise is that there is absolutely no shame in being human.

*Set Boundaries!! Oh Boy!! Did it ever take me a long time to get this one!! I can chuckle a little about it now:) But the hard truth is this: there are some people, who themselves with low self esteem, will sense out your low self esteem like vultures...and prey on it. It doesn't mean that they are mean or evil, just that they themselves have been hurt deeply and, rather than doing the hard work of mending themSELVES, will lash out at others. I have been on both ends of this behavior. When I was in my teens, I invaded others' boundaries all too often. Let me tell you...this only eroded my self esteem even more.

*Reciprocity. If you give and give and give..there are some people who will take and take and take. With no appreciation, acknowledgment or love. I am not talking about tit for tat here (which isn't reciprocity at all)...but a genuine exchange of hearts. There should be reciprocity in all things...gratitude, understanding, time.

*Don't compare yourSELF to others. Oh!!! this is big huge difficult, isn't it?? What I have found is that we are all on a deeply personal journey and comparing ourSELVES to others (talent, creativity, material things, weight, etc etc) really doesn't serve us in any positive way. It simply locks us out of our own potential.

*Grieve. Sometimes we simply need to grieve...for deep hurts, wounded spirits, people that are no longer with us, things lost. Grieving is good and right and healing...tears carry us to other, deeper places within ourSELVES.

* Don't allow others to define you. How many of us have had others tell us what we can't do?? How impractical and foolish and a waste of time and...etc etc our dreams are?? I am not going to allow another person, a culture or set of values to define who I am, what I can do and put me in boxes of their making. We can define ourSELVES and evolve.

* Create!! There is just something about the act of creating that fortifies our spirits. It can be something as simple as baking a cake or gardening or painting...sewing a curtain, knitting...you name it! Making things with our hearts + souls + minds + hands...engages our whole selves and builds us up.

*Mentors!! We need them!!! I was so lacking for mentors in my life, I had to actively seek them out. For me...Oprah, Toni Morrison, Dr. Estes, Maya Angelou...just to name a few.

* Give up perfectionism. At it's core...perfectionism is a cover up for "I am not enough". I am not lovable until I am perfect and since no one is perfect...I will never be lovable. So we beat up on ourSELVES. A vicious cycle. For most of my life, this was my first instinct. It's something I still have to work on all the time. After becoming a mother, I realised that I had to mother mySELF as well.

To ourSELVES...be kind, be gentle, be forgiving...then we are truly able to extend it to others.

Of course this isn't a complete list! There is so much to learn on this journey to SELF. Please feel free to add any of your own insights.

courageous heart

2011-10-19T21:42:00.005-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about courage these past few months. It's been showing up in my art, my morning pages and journals...and the books I have been reading. But when Tim sent me an e-mail today that included this clip...it puts things in a whole new perspective. I don't know if you've heard about this amazingly courageous young man, Emmanuel Kelly. Both him and his brother are casualties of war. They were found in a box as infants...abandoned and severely disabled by chemical warfare. They ended up in an Iraqi orphanage until they were rescued and adopted. So here he is, in the video above, on the X Factor singing show ...please just watch it!

At only about 17 years old (he has no idea what his actual age is because he was found without any documentation)...he has a grace and maturity far beyond his years. He is such a bright light...his spirit just shines. There is no "why me", "poor me"" etc etc attitude...there is only a glowing acceptance and the love of an open heart...a courageous heart. So...two minutes into the video I am bawling my eyes out...but then...when he starts to sing John Lennon's "Imagine"...I sort of completely lose it!! It speaks to me of the incredible resilience and beauty of the human spirit. How-no matter what happens to us-our potentiality is infinite. We have the capacity to survive, endure and thrive. He has inspired me to no end! Tell me what you think.
* I totally agree ladies-his mother is an absolute angel!!

seeker of the brave

2011-10-17T21:45:00.007-07:00

(Seeker of the Brave, archival prints available here!!)

"All paths lead to the same goal:to convey to others how we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song-but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in our common destiny." -Pablo Neruda

(yesterday)
I can't help but notice how we are all connected in the most intricate of ways. How there is a sacred thread that runs through the common experiences of our humanity. How we can't necessarily tell just by looking at someone what kind of anguish and loss...joy and sorrow they may have faced...that they may still be immersed in. Our lives are full of difficulties and trying. Yet... we can still feel the fullness of our abundance and the wonder of our lives. As I get older I realise that I am not going to be here forever. Each day holds a magic and a promise that I live on purpose, seek my truth and hold on to my bravery.

(today)
We try to do "our clumsy dance"...and ... in that awkwardness and frailty lie the very essence of our beauty. In our tender, vulnerable pieces...lies our strength and the source of our courage. When we wake up each morning and love,work, create, sing, cry, paint, write, reach out. When we try our best even though we are...
scared
tired
worn down
hurting
hopeless
ragged
lost
broken
we are seeking the brave in ourSELVES. And it's there...
rising to meet us.

loving...and not so much

2011-10-15T10:17:00.005-07:00

loving right now:

*This book right here...Apples for Jam! Not your usual cookbook, it is chock full of scrumptious recipes ( chicken cutlets with parsley and capers, winter squash pizza...penne with shrimp, cream and tomato ) but also has personal stories and photos. Yumminess! There are delicious poetic phrases sprinkled throughout...like this one

"walking barefoot through fields,

knowing to zigzag if you see a snake.

The medicine chest is full-I have covered

mosquito bites and bee stings"

* this post right here called 6 So-Called Rules for the Creative Badass. Must read and totally agree!

* weekends

*Oprah's Lifeclass. Go over here to join!

* Jen Lemens recent posts but especially this one right here and here

*pumpkins

*Stash...black tea (pomegranate + Bombay chai)

* these books here, here and here that I just bought for Tara...the artwork alone is amazing! And this poetry book here is full of delicious sounds...great for reading aloud.

*and speaking of children's books, I just discovered Barefoot Books and they have the most amazing books ever ever!!

and just to balance things out...I can sooooo do without:

*spending the day dealing with auto mechanics. Ugh!!!! and double ugh!!

* sweltering heat. It's been about 500 degrees over here these past few days. Where did Fall go to??? This is bikini weather!

*early morning under eye puffiness. please go away!

* computer generated telephone solicitors. Enough already.

* driving the interstates in So. Cal. Sheer madness...on a good day! I'm not kidding either!

*migraines! Before I had Tara I almost never had headaches but since I gave birth, I sometimes get these horrible migraines that can last forever. From everything I have read up about them, the recommendation is to lie down in a quiet, dark room until it subsides. Uhh...with a toddler????Quiet???

standing at the edge of grace

2011-10-13T10:50:00.006-07:00

(standing at the edge of grace, archival prints available here!)

"If you have attempted to fit whatever mold and failed to do so, you are probably lucky. You may be an exile of some sort, but you have sheltered your soul. There is an odd phenomenon that occurs when one keeps trying to fit and fails. Even though the outcast is driven away, she is at the same time driven right into the arms of her psychic and true kin...It is never a mistake to search for what one requires. Never."

-Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run with the Wolves)

I have always been an outsider...ever since I can remember. I have never ever, ever fit in with my "family" of origin or my culture. I tried to fit in, I pretended (largely as a matter of survival), I wished and hoped...but I just never could. For the life of me, I could never ever understand why my only goal in life should be to get married and have children. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to do that...it just wasn't for me. I could never understand why women and girls were afforded second class status on everything. I just wasn't feeling that whole thing!! I mean...we are the keepers in this world...the keepers of our families, traditions, stories, culture, dreams, children...Even at 14 years old, I knew this. I could never understand why I had to respect and be nice to people who were ignorant, mean and unkind simply because they were older than me. I could not see myself adopting the values of misogyny or racism or classism simply because I was told to. I had no idea why I had to pretend as if my sexuality did not exist ...as if it was something ugly and wrong. Even at a young age I knew that all of this was bullshit. So...I have always been an outsider...the ugly duckling, exiled from my true family and kindreds. In reality...I was exiled from mySELF. It was lonely and deeply deeply painful. When you are young and your psyche is vulnerable and fragile ...you see what the mirror of those around you reflect back at you. So if that mirror reflects back..."you are a misfit"..."there is something/everything intrinsically wrong with you"..."why aren't you...?" then of course, you will start thinking that way about yourSELF as well. If you are constantly abused, denigrated, ridiculed and devalued...you internalise it. That is exactly what happened to me.

(self portrait at age 42...and a half!!)

But something miraculous happened along the way. Because I was an outsider, I was afforded the luxury of forging my own path. I could (and did) live very unconventionally. I met the most amazing people who showed me very different ways of life. I had the most amazing experiences...I listened to Toni Morrison speak, I lived in an ashram, I rode through the Thar desert on a camel, I started painting...but what was really happening was this. I was forging my soul... defining and inventing and uncovering mySELF. My true SELF...not the proscriptions of society/culture/family etc. I learned that I am brave and beautiful and fearless. I learned that I am poetic and artistic and hardworking. I learned that too often, guilt was an indicator of my own low self esteem. I learned to choose my life partner based on the heart and soul of the man. I learned the value of the creative life.

(brave, archival print available here!)

And I made mistakes along the way-as we all do-but they were mine. Mine mine mine!!! Mine to learn from, grown from, live from. So...in retrospect, I see that all those long hard years of being the outsider...I was really standing at the edge of grace; I just didn't know it. Isn't that true for so many of us? I learned to seek out my own people...my tribe. I learned to accept mySELF and see the very real beauty of my heart and soul. And for me...the real gift that I received from being exiled is this right here...I get to create a whole different wide world for Tara; I don't get to pass down the very narrow world I lived in. And that...to me...is the real grace.

October walks in Ca.

2011-10-11T08:58:00.005-07:00

(Tara hamming it up!)

"Travelers, there is no path,

paths are made by walking."

-Antonio Machado

*A gorgeous doorway with handcrafted Mexican tile. Love that turquoise and yellow combo! Rain or shine...it brightens up our morning.

*luscious wet rocks...beauty everywhere

*Trees in full bloom (this is Southern Ca.!!)...lush and ripe with flowers.

*we had a few days of cool rains last week....

*surrounded by hills and mountains....

*A stunning handcrafted gate that always reminds me of suns lighting up the way...

*it's cool really early in the morning...gives me a chance to pull out some of my scarves!!

the bravest

2011-10-09T22:11:00.003-07:00

I had been working on this painting all of last week...this is part 3 (you may remember part 1 and 2 here and here). I start laying in color to her face and neck...I go for really warm/hot colors and focus more on tonal values at this stage.

Here is a close up of her face...as you can see, the colors are very much the same as the background. This lends a cohesiveness to the entire painting even if I paint over parts.

I start painting in her facial features ...still focusing more on tones and shapes rather than colors and details. Now this is the part where I get totally restless and stumped...I have to paint over the background because it is competing with her face!! I don't want to paint over it...I love it and have worked so hard to get it just right and...But I know I have to ...eek!! isn't this so true about so many aspects of ourSELVES and our lives as well? We cling onto the past and those old pieces of ourSELVES even though we know we have to get rid of them to birth the new. So I start struggling struggling struggling...until I take a deep breath and remember to trust the process.

So...I paint over the background allowing little pieces to show through. I also paint over her eyes because I am not happy with it. I am not aiming for perfection...but her eyes must be alive. They must speak to me... sing and sparkle. I also paint over her dress a translucent pinky color . In the upper right corner (you probably can't see it clearly in this pic), I add a piece of collage that reads "NOT NEGOTIABLE" ...I love that! Because our bravery and hopes and dreams...our path to SELF is just that...not negotiable!

Now I am seeing this beautiful lady emerge...the one that makes my heart sing and my spirit soar. It feels like she has been there...waiting for me all along. I just had to be brave enough to get to her.

Now I start focusing more on colors and details...she is alive to me and is telling me her story..."for the bravest woman" and aren't we all just that? We are, all of us, the heroes of our own lives. Who can know of the deep and secret pain that we carry? Who can know of all our broken pieces that we keep held together fiercely with soul strength, prayers and...gratitude? Who can measure the depth and breadth of our sorrow, our spirit? Our courage and heart?

(the bravest, archival print available here!)

*Also, I just started signing my paintings again. There is a deeply personal reason why I stopped doing this for quite some time...perhaps, one day, I will share the story over here.

from us to you...

2011-10-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

happy weekend!!

hello...friend

2011-10-06T21:49:00.003-07:00

(the journal page I made tonight)

My friend Jane was over here this evening...the Jane who sends me gorgeous poems and art cards in the mail, who brings over homemade jam and who has a huge spirit wide and deep and shining. We had samosas (from Trader Joes, of course!), pesto tortellini and tomato soup. Tara showed Miss Jane all of her recent artwork...we went outside in the cool evening air and said goodnight to Mother Moon. And after I put Tara to bed...we sat downstairs at the kitchen table and talked and created and shared.
We shared stories of our heart, of our truths. We shared our pains and struggles and heartsongs...all the while laughing and painting. We shared our tender pieces and our fierce ones too! Isn't it just amazing when we meet our kindreds? We don't have to explain who we are, why we do what we do. There is no jealousy or competition or negativity. Just an understanding and appreciation for the gift. An absolute acceptance of ourSELVES. Hello friend...

a few simple things...

2011-10-04T22:02:00.004-07:00

I am really making a conscious effort to slooooow down these days. To be present to all of the joy and beauty that surrounds me, the love that radiates from my heart and the creative impulses I am immersed in. Here are a few simple things I am ever so grateful for...
* writing my morning pages. When I miss a day, I can totally feel it!
* reading poetry aloud.
* my husband...his big and deep love for me. I certainly would not be able to do all I do with out his complete support.
*taking a deep breath when I get agitated
*our morning walks...it really allows me to focus on the moment
* practicing gratitude
*National Breast Cancer Awareness month! Twenty five years ago, there were few resources for women with breast cancer...it wasn't even talked about openly. But now we have a whole month to raise awareness and money for this killer disease that I sincerely hope we can eradicate.
* photography
*Jane's plum jam (you just have to taste it!!)
*books
* watching Tara twirl around in her Halloween princess costume. She looks so beautiful and grown up it brought me to tears.
*all the creative energy and inspiration that has been bubbling out of me these many weeks.
*this very blogging community right here; your heart and warmth is felt deeply and sincerely and I am ever so grateful for you all.
* Dr. Estes! I am currently listening to her Dangerous Old Woman audio series and...I love her...pure and simple. I am grateful for her heart and her work and her deep wild soul that she so openly shares with us.
How about you? Are there a few simple things that make your heart sing? Your spirit soar?
**P.S. If you are over 40, please go and get your mammogram; I just had mine done on Sunday. If you are under 40 and suspect something, don't feel quite right or have a strong history of the disease in your family...then please, trust your intuition and go get checked out. NOW!!

SELF is a poem

2011-10-02T17:12:00.004-07:00

(SELF is a poem waiting to be told, archival prints available here!)

art is a poem

waiting to exlode sizzle

fizz red dripping yellow

vermillion cerulean ochres

SELF is a poem waiting to be told

seen heard loved

amaze me

I used to write tons of poetry when I was a teen. Some of it was really really bad! I mean...seriously horrible!! And lots were mediocre but...there were a few that really showed promise. But along with painting and drawing...I put all of my hopes and dreams in a box and locked it shut. I lost the key... for a long long time. But since I started blogging, journaling, writing my morning pages...I am inspired to write again. I am combining my words with my art and that has been fostering even more writing and healing and inspiration and...And I have been feeding mySELF with so many delicious poetry books...it feeds my soul and brings the sacred to every moment. It allows me to experience another person's soul...in a brief moment. And isn't that magical? To connect across time and space? Soul to soul?

art is a poem...and so are you!

dancing sunset

2011-10-01T21:44:00.002-07:00

"Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful
than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon
and into the clouds or the hills
or the rumpled sea
and is gone..."
-Mary Oliver

We just had the most wonderful, magical evening over here and I really wanted to share it with you all. I still can't get over how close we live to the ocean; we take full advantage of it! We picked up some deli sandwiches from Vons (yes, the grocery store!)... drove down to the beach and watched the sunset. Tara and Tim splashed around in the cold water, we danced on the sand and were in awe at the grandeur of nature; the sheer magnificence of it all.

*P.S. I have also been busy busy working away in my studio and will have some new prints available soon!
Have a great rest of the weekend.

continued...

2011-09-29T23:50:00.002-07:00

This post is a continuation from this morning...where I am reworking a painting of mine. I bought this gorgeous vintage dictionary and add part of a page to her face. I love that there are words spilling out everywhere...even though most of it is going to get covered up...it's there. Oh! I just came across this quote by Joan Miro that I simply love..."I try to apply colors like words that shape poems, like notes that shape music." Isn't that just beautiful? I am going to scribble it on a piece of paper and stick it at my work station.

I start adding richer colors to her face...ochres, walnut, dark blues for shadows. You can still see some of the writing at this point...I also add some yellow paint to the background near her face.

Now I add a rich red over the yellow; I really love layering colors like this...it really gives it a richness and depth that just vibrates. I can't seem to get the same effect when I mix the colors on my palette. I also add Shiva Oilsticks over the middle part of her face. I have to allow them to dry for about 30+ hours. I am excited now...and interested to see where this painting goes. One of the really difficult things about balancing mommyhood + painting is that I can't paint when I want. It's really frustrating...I have all these ideas just bursting to get out. On the plus side...I am way more focused now; I can't procrastinate like I used to!!
***********************************************************************

*A pic from this afternoon...Tara is an expert at making funny faces:) We spread out a beach towel and some pillows outside and read a few books... watched the sun ...and birds. The days are still quite warm here. Dear friends...I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

struggling... yet trusting the process

2011-09-29T09:08:00.001-07:00

This is one of my paintings in progress. There are so many things I absolutely love about it...the rich, warm colors...her hair and form...but it doesn't make my heart sing. Do you know what I mean? So...I am struggling with this painting but...am also trusting the process.

I add these words from a note that Tim gave me; isn't he sweet? My husband is a romantic at heart and I have a huge box full of notes, love letters and cards from him. I decide that I am going to use some of them in my art.

I use water and a paper towel and wipe the background vigorously to create a distressed look and allow some of the previous layers to show through. I love all the subtle variations and colors.

I cover up the warm pink in the bottom of the painting with blue; as much as I love warm colors...I need some cool to balance things out. I am still not happy with the direction of the painting and...am really struggling with it. Should I re-work it or completely cover the entire painting or...I am attached to the painting because I have already put in so much time, energy and heart into it. Struggling...struggling. This is the part of painting that is definitely not relaxing...or meditative or...This is the very difficult part of making choices that are going to change the entire direction of the piece. What to do, what to do?

I cover up her entire face with gesso. Now..this was really late last night and...I was totally exhausted. I regretted it immediately! But only for like 2 mins. It's so easy to get attached to something we have worked on and invested so much of ourSELVES in but...I am letting go of my expectations and allowing the painting to birth itself. This is where I have to trust my intuition and listen to the painting. What is this lady trying to say. Who is she? What is her story? This is the part of the painting process where I have to let go of this image I have in my head and allow the painting to speak to me. Stay tuned!
*****************************************************************

*Tara in her art class yesterday...so very proud of her! She just loves loves love her classes and paints with abandon and curiosity. She is one of my greatest teachers; it may sound so cliche but...it's the absolute truth.

filled to the brim

2011-09-27T21:40:00.003-07:00

Our days over here are filled to the brim...with all sorts of things. I just have no idea how the year has slipped by...I mean...it's almost October!! Of course, we are in Ca. so it's still pretty much barefoot during the day; the evenings are a bit chilly though. I have to say that I actually miss snow (I am Canadian, you know!), bundling up and wintry days. Any-hoo...these past few weeks have left me more sleep deprived than usual. Tara, who normally sleeps right through the night, has been getting up a few times at odd hours. So I wake up and sit in her rocking chair with her until she falls back to sleep..and I have been exhausted in the mornings. I shortened her afternoon nap though...so things are back to normal. I think.

Despite being super tired I have been painting up a storm over here these days! These are some backgrounds that I am working on....it's actually quite fun and meditative after a long day to listen to Dr. Estes' audio tapes and play in paint. There are no mistakes, you know. Everything in creating is sacred....elemental. And whether a part gets covered up or not in the final painting...it's there; vital and important. I am going to post a painting in progress soon. I always mean to take pictures but then completely forget once I get going...does that ever happen to you? I think I have to post a sticky note on my desk as a reminder!

I have been reading/working through Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron and am absolutely loving it to pieces! I highly recommend it to anyone looking for their creative gold. I used to do morning pages a gazillion years ago when I read the Artist's Way but then...I can't quite remember why but... I stopped. Well I started back up again and it feels so good. It's meditative in the sense that it clears out all the garbage from your thoughts and inspires creative ones. All our angers, pains, sadness come pouring out and as we empty..we fill ourSELVES up with inspiration, ideas, joys, blessings...I am really going to try and stick with it for awhile. The whole book is difficult work with each chapter focusing on different aspects of the psyche/creative process. It's actually more like a workbook with all the exercises. Dreaming and hoping all sorts of things over here and working through some difficult things also. Dear friends... I hope you are full too...with dreams and hopes, love + art, tears and poetry...with life.

I am...

2011-09-25T22:03:00.001-07:00

“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.” -Mary Oliver
I am...
*reading Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron and ...loving it!
*writing...doing my morning pages, telling my stories and creating with words
*painting up a storm!
*healing
*waiting for a whole pile of delicious books that I ordered to come in
*communing with trees
*sitting outside with a warm blanket ...soaking in the crisp fall air
*remembering
*loving
*sad for things that are not
*amazed
How about you?

shine

2011-09-22T23:31:00.002-07:00

(she was resting in her shining, archival print available here!)

There is a part of us that is never touched by the ugliness we experience; the ugliness that we do to ourSELVES and others...that which is done to us. There is a part of ourSELVES that is never touched by our broken pieces, our pain and bitterness...our sorrow and regrets. There is that part of us that stays intact... that is both vulnerable and resilient. There is a part of ourSELVES that is always resting in a shining.

(shining bright Tara)

Everyday now...I am seeking that part of mySELF more and more. She is there-as she always has been-waiting for me. We may push her to the very edges of ourSELVES, bury her so deep, forget all about her. But now...as I walk toward her...this is what I know; she is seeking us too.

blues + gratitude

2011-09-20T23:38:00.004-07:00

(one of my recent art journal pages)

"I'd like a little flashlight to write poems on this non-poem day,

a tiny fleeting love poem not to the sorrow I feel,

but to the splash of sunlight that changes everything."

-Zucker (this sweet poem arrived in my mailbox today!)

I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps today. I don't know if it's hormonal or the dreaded comparison monster that tends to visit us every so often or...just feeling sad and blue. So I decided to write out a gratitude list, not to dismiss my feelings and sweep them under the rug as if they don't exist, but just to change my focus on all the goodness right here in front of me.

Here's what my gratitude list looks like right now:

* my connections are growing deeper, deeper. With mySELF, my family, my friends, my work and art and life.

*my blog...every single dear soul who takes the time to read my heart and mind, these words and photos that spill out from the deepest parts of mySELF and my life...I am ever so grateful.

*my marriage which is growing into the wideness and deepness of a love that can hold everything, into a comfort that feels familiar.

*my darling baby girl Tara who wraps me in her love and sweet sassy self every moment of every day...who shines in my eyes.
* a beautiful non-poem that I received in the mail today from sweet Jane...thank you:)
* Dr. Clarrisa Pinkola Estes ...her work feeds me and... encourages me to do my work.

*creative time with Tara...we play with paints + crayons + paper. She loves everything art and it couldn't make me happier! Sometimes...I imagine her sitting down with her children one day and doing the very same thing. Now that brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.

* curling up with a good book and a cup of tea. It's cooling down over here and there is just nothing better after a long day!

*Jen Lemen...I love the way her words bring me a sense of heart, hope and healing; a very real sense of community.

What do you do when you are feeling blue?

astonished

2011-09-18T18:46:00.003-07:00

"are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
Let me keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished...
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy..."
-Mary Oliver from the poem Messenger, Thirst

(from one of my art journal pages)

I have been feeling buried under the weight of years these past few days. And not in an entirely melancholy way either. But in a way that has me feeling both the sadness of things gone by and the wisdom of lessons learned.
In a way that is all at once colored by memories buried and created and made rich and worn with time. Do you ever feel that way? As I get older, I am realising how all we really have is the here and now...this moment. I am soaking into it. Deep.

(beautiful Ca. coast-today)
I woke up this morning and Summer has packed her bags and left...without even a goodbye. I am sad to see her go...even though I am eagerly awaiting Lady Fall with her brisk winds and leaves turning russet, orange, red, yellow...We went down to the harbor this morning for a short cruise and watched birds, sea lions and boats.

(watching sea lions off the coast)
Tara is such a nature lover. She is especially interested in animals! I read her tons of books with animal themes and then try to show her real life examples. Then we paint and create them too!

(a few books I am currently reading)
Immersing myself in words...tumbling off pages straight into my heart. Words thick and ripe...raw with heat and sorrow. I just started reading Naomi Shihab Nye and this book is an amazing compilation of her work.

"unfurling" inspired art journal pages

2011-09-15T22:23:00.002-07:00

I bought this mixed media book a couple of weeks ago and have been working through some of the ideas and inspirations in my art journal. It is chock full of great ideas and instructions and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in trying out new techniques. There are so many different sections but they are tied in together really well...not confusing or overwhelming at all. There is a whole section on clay that I just may attempt; Misty makes it look super doable and the instructions are very detailed. She even has some cut out images in the back of the book to use in our journal or sketchbooks etc. So much fun stuff to try!

This is one of my journal pages...I took a pic of myself and printed it on regular paper and then glued it to my journal page. I used acrylic paints, watercolor crayons, a Pitt brush pen . I then used images from magazines, a piece of 7 gypsies tape at the bottom, the wings and the crown are from Misty's book (her cut out images)...journal pages are super super fun..no rules, no agenda, just going with the flow. I think I am going to write over parts of this.

This was a similar process. I used a pic of my face and then painted the rest in. There are pieces of collage, stamping, acrylic paints. As you can see...I am just loving tiaras of roses ...gorgeous!!! The image of the lady in the middle is another cut out from Misty's book and this figure is modelled after her style; it's not something I would have done by myself and it was so much fun to try! Tara just adores this page for some reason...maybe the colors and the roses and wings? I may even frame this for her nursery:)

altering photo DIY -simple, fast, adorable!

2011-09-13T22:23:00.003-07:00

This is a super easy, fast and adoooorable (don't you agree?) photo DIY.
1. I started off with a black and white photo (an actual photograph, not a digital one)
2. I cut out these roses from a magazine.
3. I simply laid the roses on top of the photo and scanned it onto my computer.
4. I had the new photo printed up. That's it!
* I find that when I contrast a black and white pic. with some color, it really makes it so much more dramatic.
Oh! And I know that tons of you can probably do this all digitally but I am not that tech savvy!!
The possibilities are endless...you can use butterfly wings, birds...so many ideas. Okay, please stop me from making a 100 of these and plastering them all over the house! Why didn't I do this sooner??

mixed media experiments and other stuff

2011-09-11T23:09:00.005-07:00

I have been doing all kinds of mixed media experiments over here; learning so much and having fun! This painting I did is quite a departure from my usual style but...I really love her direct gaze; without negation or apology. Also...she looks really angry...which could be because that's exactly how I have been feeling lately about my recent post re. the gendercide against girls in India! It's okay for her to look angry though...art isn't always meant to be pretty and lovely. Sometimes it's bold and has it's own story to tell. I also love the richness of the colors and the dramatic composition. So...here's what I did...I prepared my (wooden) canvas with patterned paper (gift wrap, old dictionary pages, part of toy packaging) and gesso and allowed to dry. I then used a gel transfer technique to add more dimension and imagery to the surface. I sketched in the face and used Shiva oil sticks to lay in the facial colors. I used a black Pitt brush pen to define the eyes, nose, outlines. I then used stamps to add the text (journey). I also used stamps to add a pattern to her hair. I then added acrylics and inks to the background, hair and certain parts of the face. Sorry I didn't take pics of the whole process; I meant to but completely forgot! It feels good to stretch outside of my usual parameters and try out new things. We have to give ourSELVEs permission to grow and change and break those boundaries that we so often place upon ourSELVES.

Fall is definitely in the air over here. This is Southern Ca. so our days are still hot...but the evenings are getting chilly and darkness is coming earlier and earlier every day. I for one am looking forward to things cooling down. As much as I love summer...it feels good to get out our sweaters and curl up with a good book and a cup of tea. I simply can't believe it's September already!! Where did the year go to??

I recently had an unexpected connection with someone from my very distant past. Now I don't believe in coincidences...I know that every small event is exactly as it is meant to be. It has been a gift and I am very appreciative and grateful. Life is so full of the most amazing surprises...we never know what's just around the corner, do we?
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I am announcing the winner to the print giveaway tomorrow. Tara is going to pick the winner and well, she's asleep right now! So please stop back by!

*Tara was so excited to pick out the winner of the print giveaway today! Pat H. please contact me. Thanks to everyone for your concern, heartfelt comments and for spreading the word about the gendercide in India and China. I am going to continue talking about it ; I hope you will too.

magic and mayhem

2011-09-09T02:51:00.003-07:00

(Minnie-Mouse Tara)
We spent last weekend at Disneyland. Now I have to tell you that Disney on Labor Day weekend was not my idea of a fun time! Toddler + crowds + heat = my idea of mayhem!! I also have to tell you that I have never never ever been to Disney before (yes, I am 42 years old!!). I was never taken as child and as an adult, I had absolutely no desire to go. But Tim wanted to take Tara and she was sooooo excited...chattering about it all of last week She was telling me all the things she wanted to do and was beaming from ear to ear. So...off we went! Can I just say how much I loved it!!!! I got to see everything through Tara's eyes and it was magical. The trick was that we started off super early in the morning, spent about 3 hours there, had lunch and then went back to the hotel for a looooong nap...and then went back for a few hours in the evening. We didn't try to fit too much in or go on too many rides. That seemed to keep Tara happy and us reasonably sane!!

(Tara's fave ride!!)

*there were teacups...

(one amazing parade!!)

*princesses everywhere!!

(me and Tara-can you see us?)

*the castle that Tara never wanted to leave!!

*lots of beaming smiles from Tara!!

*the history of the whole place

The thing that inspired me the most was how Walt Disney conceived of the whole place! I mean...he was ridiculed and belittled, told he was fool for thinking of such a thing but...he dreamed up every detail in his imagination!! But the real magic??? Magician -Tara cast a spell on me and I got to be 2 years old again!!

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We just experienced a 12 hour power shortage that ended about a half hour ago! Everything was gone...no power, air conditioning, Internet!!! Nothing! That never happens to us over here. I guess it hit all of San Diego and even down into Mexico as well as parts of Arizona!I know that for so many of my sister/blogging friends around the world, this is a common problem. It makes me so very appreciative of all the things I so easily take for granted! Okay...its 3:45 a.m. and I really need to get to bed!!
P.S. I still have a FREE PRINT GIVEAWAY! Please stop by and read my post (2 down-sorry, for some strange reason I can't put a link in) and enter. I will be announcing the winner on Monday!

see me true

2011-09-06T22:13:00.004-07:00

(always see me true, archival print available here!)

"I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do exactly what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it okay if I don't paragraph my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes"
-Kaylin Haught, "God Says Yes to Me" from The Palm of Your Hand
*isn't this the most delicious poem you have ever read? I came across it in this book I am currently reading. It's all about living intentionally and on purpose...focusing on what really matters. She starts off the book by saying that at some point, we are all only going to have 37 days left to live. What would you do if those 37 days started right now? It certainly puts things in perspective. Me...I would spend my last days with my Tim and Tara, dear friends...with my cheek pressed against a tree, sunshine on my face...breathing in roses and wildflowers, swallowing the ocean...painting, reading poetry , eating pasta and Godiva. I would listen to opera, sing at the top of my lungs, laugh more and not worry two licks about tomorrow. And all the pettiness in day to day life...so not important! How about you?

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I have a free print giveaway in my previous post!! I will be announcing the winner next Monday so please stop by and leave a comment!

silent cries: the gendercide in India, a print giveaway and how each of us can make a difference

2011-09-01T20:55:00.008-07:00

(It's a Girl-Documentary on the genocide against girls)

When Rita Banerji sent me a link to this clip a few weeks ago, I watched it twice and felt my heart drop. I wanted to bury mySELF with my grief and just...cry. I did cry. Sometimes I feel so hopeles. The U.N. now estimates that over 200 million (yes! 200 MILLION) girls are missing due to sex selective murder. The main culprits? India and China. I wasn't able to write this post until now because I have been alternating between being totally pissed off and utterly in despair. I have written about this issue many times on my blog...here, here and here . So...how can I write about this very same issue, that is only getting worst, in a different way. How can I say something new about this atrocity while still driving home this point right here..girls are being slaughtered in the millions and...nothing is being done! Will anything I say or do...make a difference at all? I have no idea...but here's what I do know.
Gender based violence affects us all. If we don't speak up for these baby girls who are being slaughtered in the tens of millions...who will speak up for us when the time comes? If we don't try to do something, will there be anyone left who will? If we are to raise strong sons and daughters...then we ourSELVES have to be strong. It's not just happening over there, you see. Because, once we become aware of a situation such as this, if we don't speak out... say something, do something, pray something, act something, fight for something...then it's all happening right here...in our hearts and souls.

(Petals in the Dust-genocide against India's daughters)

I came across this story right here that I want to share with all of you. It's a Japanese parable that activist, Nobel prize winner and all round kick-ass amazing woman Wangari Maathai often quotes.

"A big fire was destroying the forest. all the animals fled, except the hummingbird. It flew to the river, picked up one drop of water in it's tiny beak, flew back, and poured that drop on the fire. Again and again it returned to the river, each time scooping up a single drop and pouring it on the fire. The other animals watched from the far shore, laughing and mocking. The harder they laughed, the harder the hummingbird worked. "just what do you think you're doing?" the animals asked. Without stopping her work, she answered calmly, "I'm doing what I can."
" That's all any of us can do: What we can." says Maathai.

(Brave, mixed media archival print)

So dear reader, please go over here to sign the petition against the genocide against girls in India and then leave a comment on my blog or my Facebook page to enter a free print giveaway (any print of your choice from my Etsy shop!). If you would like to read my interview (in 3 parts) with Ms. Banerji, you can go here, here and here.
To find out more about this genocide against India's daughters go here, here or here .
*And spread the word if you can...link up, tweet and FB it...my heart thanks you.

* 50 million missing website

* Rita Banerji's book

*Rita's blog

time...just flying by

2011-08-31T21:58:00.001-07:00

"Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it."
-Mary Oliver

Summer has just whisked away...kids are back at school, it's starting to cool down a little in the evenings and September is here. Where has the year gone?? I am already planning Tara's Halloween costume (fairy princess) and buying her a few warm clothes. Time is just flying right on by!

creative cycles, journey of SELF, Theatre of the Imagination

2011-08-29T23:01:00.001-07:00

(she was on a journey to (SELF) discovery, archival prints available here!))

I have been painting up a storm in my studio these past few weeks...overflowing with ideas... creative fires burning. Just a few months ago I was immersed in a slump and no matter what I did...I simply couldn't get into my studio and paint. Sure I worked on backgrounds and played around a bit but...
As I mentioned a few posts back, I have been listening to Theatre of the Imagination by Dr. Estes. She talks in depth about the difference between the natural ups and downs of creativity vs. the toxic and unnatural state of polluting our creative channels whereby we don't/can't create. It is a very important distinction and extremely helpful (if you happen to be in a creative slump) to figure out the reason behind it.

Dr. Estes says that every creative cycle goes through periods of being dormant; that is natural and healthy. She equates it to a field that has to lie fallow in order to be fertile in the seasons to come. There is nothing to worry about when you are in this sort of slump...ideas are germinating and seeds are being planted...the soil is being fertilised even though we see no evidence of that.
The toxic pollution state that causes slumps, though, are a completely different matter entirely! This is where we don't create because there is a psychic injury that inhibits us from bringing our creativity to fruition. In this state...we do things like this: we don't even begin, we continually procrastinate or make excuses or...on and on.
But...here's the magical and amazing thing! Our creativity can never be killed off no matter what we do. She goes on to explain how we can use this very situation to deepen our creativity. Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? How valuable her teachings are? For those of us (myself included here!) who haven't had a mentor, an encouraging person in our childhood, a mother who passes down her innate knowledge of the feminine ...Dr. Estes is all of that...and so much more! This series is just smoking hot!

Dr. Estes talks about how everything we need to fuel our creativity is right there within our own psyches, ourSELVES. All it takes is getting out of our own way...and journey back home to SELF.

For me...it was a multitude of things that pulled me out of my slump. I had to be gentle with myself...patient. And I had to take a step back and not force things.

* now go make some art!! or...Laugh, sing, dance...go sit under the fat full moon, eat poems, lay on your back and stargaze...